Tag: book1

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VI
It’s loose, it moves, it’s forcefully making,
A breeze all over the place,
It flips and it flops and it flaps like a fan,
I detect a cool wind on my face.

VII
It’s flappy but thin, and it’s long like a string,
It’s robust, and it’s sturdy I hope,
I’m sure that some of you have it wrong,
It feels like I’m holding a rope.

VIII
Whether snake, rope or tree, they couldn’t agree,
Was it a spear, or a fan, or a wall?
In isolation, incomplete information,
And a lack of sight was confusing them all.

MORAL
Each fact was quite true, individually checked,
But each chap was creating illusions,
Think it through, take advice, take time to reflect,
Listen carefully … don’t jump to conclusions.

(Slowly GORDON BENNETT rises to his feet and amateurishly bows.)

AUDIENCE
(Heartfelt shouts of ‘Bravo’, and much applause.)

AUNTSYLVIE
(Addressing FULLYCHARGED individually.)
That was good! Really good advice!

Later on I’m going to explain all of it to you.

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A long, long time ago, in a faraway land called Indostan there was a famous fable, as told in the poem by John Godfrey Saxe.

May I present the more modern version?

The almost true true story
of the Blind Men and the Elephant

I
In India the six wise men,
All blind since birth we are told,
Came upon the elephant,
A puzzle for them all to behold.

II
The first reached out and placed his hand,
Up and down and all along one side,
It’s strong just like a wall he said,
Both high and exceedingly wide.

III
Another found the pointy bit,
And overcome with fear,
Withdrew his hand, from the tip of a tusk,
Saying, I think that I just touched a spear.

IV
It’s not so sharp said number three,
It wriggles, it writhes, and it twists,
I think it must be a snake he said,
I can’t hold it, it’s hurting my wrists.

V
This is no snake, it’s fatter than me,
Great presence, great strength and great girth,
I think we must be touching a tree,
Soundly rooted right here to the earth.

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and an untidy beard. Instead of wearing a wolfskin jacket, he is comically wearing a sheepskin rug. On reaching The Stump he sits down facing the back wall. Making it abundantly obvious, he pulls out a Time Machine from his pocket, spins around and faces the audience.)

AUDIENCE
(Various people exclaim.)
It’s MaxChaos!

(A chuckle ripples through the Great Hall as more people begin to recognise him.)

(Director’s note: MaxChaos is the first person to acknowledge that he is not a natural born entertainer nor a story teller. However, he does look a bit like Benet. He’s seen Benet’s routine a few times, and he has agreed to do a five minute skit as a fictitious character named Gordon Bennett! For his debut appearance he has stipulated that he should be allowed to carry a large print book on stage and actually read the story directly from the book. That way there is no need to memorise any lines!)

GORDON BENNETT
(Valiantly mimicking the tenor of BENET, and using the same introduction, though slightly stilted.)

Are we all sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

May I first remind you of what Mark Twain said? In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place at the right time. It is the task of historians and story tellers to rectify this error.

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(Resuming the role of a formal host.)
We asked Benet to be here this evening, to read you another almost true true story. He sends his apologies that he couldn’t make it. Instead, he’s arranged for one of his friends to deliver a story on his behalf.

SCENE 5
(OPENMIKE walks apron far right, as the curtain slowly opens to reveal an almost empty space with sombre lighting. Perfectly positioned centre stage, The Stump from Jackanory Square can just be seen.)

OPENMIKE
(Stage lighting becomes brighter.)
Tonight, in Jackanory Square …

(The curtain is near fully open.)
… please give a Noble Coliseum welcome to … Gordon Bennett!

(Curtain open. Lighting subdued. The Stump is visible. The stage is empty as OPENMIKE prepares to exit stage right.)

AUDIENCE
(Puzzled. Thinking that OPENMIKE said BENET is not here. Who is this GORDON BENNETT? Why is the stage empty?)

GORDON BENNETT
(A well built man emerges from the right wing near the front of the stage, slowly walking in a diagonal line, towards the back of the stage aiming for the far left. This deliberately presents a rear three quarter view allowing the audience to see more of his back than his front. He approaches centre stage where the lighting is better. His appearance becomes a little clearer. However, his head is bowed and he is not showing his face. He definitely resembles BENET with a fulsome head of long hair,

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Saturday for starters! We have some slots available next week. Anybody can take part in “OpenMike Night”!

And if nobody volunteers you can all come here next week and stare at an empty stage, or worse still, you can watch me fill the entire evening with a one man show where I do an hour long “question and answer session” on school work. Answering all your questions only by means of interpretive dance!

(The audience chuckles lightly.)

Yes, one or two of you nutters would like that, but this is a show for everybody, so let’s see who we can entice onto the stage next week.

(Seemingly unscripted and unexpected, a pantoesque character emerges from stage left, and stands just on the apron, in full view of the audience. A handful of audience members immediately recognise the character from the recent bathtub regatta. The denim dungarees, the yellow makeup, and the pair of ridiculously over sized goggles are a dead giveaway.)

(Others are confused having never seen him before.)

SMALLBANANA
(She stands still momentarily. Leans forward a little, bends both knees, and both elbows. Straightens up. Looks furtively to her left into the wing that she came from, and then furtively to her right. Then exaggerating the forward movement of the chin, and extending the neck, SMALLBANANA looks directly at the audience.)

AUDIENCE
(Puzzled murmuring and some giggling.)

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so far his performance has been flawless. He can hear the French horns reaching their peak. He knows that they won’t be able to hold that note much longer. He looks at MISSFORTUNE. Eye contact! ANGRYBARD begins to let the drum roll subside. MISSFORTUNE waves her baton smartly. The musicians promptly and uniformly stop.)

AUDIENCE
(The audience erupts. Thoroughly impressed, they reward the performance with a truly enthusiastic round of applause. Mentally exhausted, ANGRYBARD collapses onto his chair)

MISSFORTUNE
(MISSFORTUNE looks directly at ANGRYBARD. From each flank KAREN and JAMES follow suit, looking directly at him. Simply by directing their eyes towards the percussionist, all three adults have incited the audience to renew their applause.)

AUDIENCE
(Enthusiastic applause. The intensity of the performance gives way to a welcome release of tension. His shoulders relax, his eyes shine, and ANGRYBARD rises to his feet. Everybody recognises that the thirteen year old newcomer was the star performer. Nobody more so than FULLYCHARGED who is bouncing about with joy!)

SCENE 4
(OPENMIKE centre apron.)

OPENMIKE
(Addressing the audience.)
Well that was exhilarating, wasn’t it?

I hope we can see the Orchestra of MissFortune joining us at more events in future! More importantly, I hope to see some of you joining us at future events … as performers! Like next

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MISSFORTUNE
(MISSFORTUNE scans all the musicians, making fleeting eye contact with each one of them, inciting them to maintain their focus. They have to deliver only the first 90 seconds of this piece, and she wants to close it on a psychological high for everybody. Especially for ANGRYBARD. Yet he is steadfastly refusing to look up. A pained look of concentration is now ingrained on his face. His hands are at rest, but the third and final drum roll is due any moment.)

ANGRYBARD
(On cue, not that he looked up for the cue, ANGRYBARD starts a mild rumble, as the brass and strings perform the first demi fanfare and hold the high note. The intensity of the mild rumble increases, as the volume of the high note reduces, and then the drums seem to quieten. Deceptively, it looks as though the music will slowly fade, but again the musicians ramp it up a notch. MISSFORTUNE is focussed only on ANGRYBARD who obligingly looks up just in time to see the delight on her face as he commences the second demi crescendo to close the piece.)

ORCHESTRA
(All eyes are on MISSFORTUNE. Her eyes are on ANGRYBARD. His eyes are now fixed on the kettle drums as he strikes them with the mallets. MISSFORTUNE is enthusiastically waving her baton. The musicians are following her cue. ANGRYBARD isn’t. He’s totally immersed in the moment, getting the rising drama of the kettle drums just right. Everybody is holding the high note waiting for MISSFORTUNE’s signal. MISSFORTUNE is waiting for ANGRYBARD to pay attention to the conductor!)

ANGRYBARD
(The final mild rumble is escalating, the depth and the volume are rising. It’s supposed to be a fully fledged drum roll, but without the final double strike. ANGRYBARD knows this, and

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(MISSFORTUNE waits for ANGRYBARD to nod slightly indicating that he’s ready. With almost no delay, he nods gently.)

ORCHESTRA
(MISSFORTUNE taps the lectern three times and the marines deliver a low C with a solemn, modest volume. The volume rises with a majestic sostenuto taking it to G and then up to a higher C. MISSFORTUNE brings in the string section, with a resounding few notes which symbolise a sunrise.)

AUDIENCE
(There are some deep gasps of pleasant surprise from a few members of the audience who recognise the piece after just eight bars. Others, impressed by the rich, resonant sound, and the harmonic tension already building, are smiling at one another. Still struggling to identify the music, many audience members are nonetheless impressed that two marines and eight school children are delivering a familiar and iconic piece with such dynamism.)

ANGRYBARD
(As the brass and string sections lower the intensity, ANGRYBARD starts a modest drum roll, rising in tempo and volume, and creating a profound smile on MISSFORTUNE’S face.)

FULLYCHARGED
(Sitting in the front row, FULLYCHARGED looks on in awe.)

ANGRYBARD
(Seeing the emergent smile on MISSFORTUNE’S face, ANGRYBARD’s confidence rises fourfold. Maintaining his concentration, and with perfect timing and a rising drama, he brings the first drum roll to a clear conclusion with a double strike on the middle drum.)

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OPENMIKE
(Animated and characterful.)
Let’s try that again, and louder this time … are you ready for this?

AUDIENCE
(Participating widely.)
Yes, Mike!

OPENMIKE
(Ebullient.)
That’s better! Let me hear you put your hands together for the Orchestra of MissFortune!

SCENE 2
(A musical piece with no dialogue.)

MISSFORTUNE
(MISSFORTUNE stands just below the stage, facing the orchestra, with her back to the audience. She lifts a baton and taps her lectern smartly. Her students sit up straight, quite alert, and watch as each of the marines picks up a French horn.)

ANGRYBARD
(On his debut appearance thirteen year old ANGRYBARD knows that this is the first signal. Nervously, he rises to his feet, standing in the back row of the orchestra, poised at the kettle drums.)

MISSFORTUNE
(MISSFORTUNE smiles at him sympathetically and encouragingly, willing him to give the sort of robust performance which she knows he’s capable of. In return ANGRYBARD displays a half hearted smile which cannot disguise his sense of foreboding.)

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“If they all turn up,” says AuntSylvie, “we’re going to have seven acts tonight.”

As the marines take their places at the extreme edges of the orchestra pit they’re watching MissFortune, the music teacher, who’s busy encouraging the newcomer to settle into his seat. AngryBard is nervous. He’s the only boy in the orchestra, and although he’s rehearsed this a few times at school with MissFortune playing a French horn, Karen and James were only able to practice with them once.

“You’ll be fine,” she says to AngryBard, “Karen and James will let you set the pace. You can do this, I know you can.”

Anxiously, AngryBard looks at Karen. She gives him a quick wink and a smile, and a thumbs up for good luck.

The Talent Contest

SCENE 1

OPENMIKE
(Addressing the audience.)
Ladies and gentleman and non-binaries!

Welcome to the Noble Coliseum.

My name’s OpenMike, and oh do we have a spectacle for you tonight!

Are you ready for this?

I said are you ready for this?

AUDIENCE
(About one quarter respond)
Yes, Mike!

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