SlenderWolf

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“Passion! Electricity! Immersion! Total focus, almost trance like focus!”

“Yes, you can do that, I know! It was obvious earlier. But you’ve heard me practise, and you know that I’m a mediocre drummer. Does everybody have to be able to do it the same way as you?”

“Kayt and Conning have passion. Kayt’s a brilliant singer! And a brilliant dancer! I’ve watched her.”

With half an idea about where the discussion is going, NutJob gently prompts for more.

“Kayt?”

“Yes, why are there no girls in my year like Kayt?”

“You’re thirteen aren’t you? Maybe you’re maturing faster than the others! Everybody in your year is twelve or thirteen?”

AngryBard nods, “uh huh.”

“You sound like me when I was fifteen. You’re going to be fine. It takes a little time, and it needs a bit of patience.”

“Does Kayt have a boyfriend?”

“I don’t think she does,” says NutJob, “but I don’t think she’s looking. We can talk more about this later. The interval’s nearly over, aren’t you needed back in the orchestra for the second half?

—o—

            In the ladies’ dressing room Kayt, whilst not intending to cause any deliberate friction, starts off a little too aggressively. She often does that with love life conversations. All Conning wanted to do was ask calmly about recent developments. The problem these days is that it’s hard to get KristalClear on her own for a chat without NutJob being within earshot. A backstage dressing room solves that problem.

“How did you do it? Why did you do it?” demands Kayt, “what is it with you and NutJob? He’s not normal!”

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They pick up their drinks, no biscuits nor cakes, and they disappear in the direction of the changing rooms.

AngryBard and HayWire watch the girls depart, and NutJob notices that AngryBard’s eyes are following Kayt carefully. Kayt’s rear end to be precise! Amused by the thirteen year old’s interest in one of the sixteen year old girls NutJob looks AngryBard in the eye, raises his eyebrows knowingly, then looks in the direction of Kayt. And once more looks directly at AngryBard.

AngryBard recognises exactly what all the non verbal communication means, and asks, “Dave, can I chat with you for a mo?”

“OK, come on then! We’ll get a bit more privacy if we use the prop room.”

HayWire is left there at the refreshments table, standing among a group of random people, but feeling quite alone.

Sitting on one of the tables in the prop room, AngryBard is no longer certain that he actually wants to ask any questions. NutJob’s sure that he does, but thinks he’s probably unsure how to phrase things. In a sympathetic tone he kicks off the discussion.

“Everybody thinks you joined the orchestra, because it’s full of girls. We assumed that you were keen on one of them. What’s up?”

“They’re all boring!”

“Boring? You mean, you find them all boring? Maybe they’re all OK? I don’t know them, but maybe they’re all completely normal girls?”

AngryBard shrugs, and says nothing.

“You’re the exceptional one,” says NutJob, “genuine talent. Have you ever thought about it that way?”

“No,” he says, “but what I mean is that none of them has any enthusiasm. They all play music, but they don’t feel music.”

“I see … what does feel music mean to you?”

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books, FullyCharged adopts a Kung Fu fighting pose and screams, “HAI YAH!”

“No! No! No!” yells Hayley, glaring at FullyCharged, “you are so naïve! You don’t know anything about karate! It’s all about mental discipline and focus!”

In an instant, the cupcake escapade has been forgotten as everybody focusses on Hayley.

“You have to follow the correct etiquette and start by saying ‘Osu’. And you bow like this.” Hayley demonstrates a perfect, text book version of the hand gestures and bow.

“It conveys patience,” she says, “determination, appreciation, respect and perseverance!”

Smirking whilst FullyCharged is being berated by Hayley, ShortFuse and MegaBite decide to slip away quietly lest they encounter a real introduction to karate at the hands of an eight year old girl. The apple and the cupcake remain on the table.

The White Belt RoughDi initially shares a grateful smile with Yellow Belt Hayley. However, the older Kohai is faced with a younger, more experienced Senpai, and remembers what Charlton-sensei had said: age does not outrank grade in a karate dojo.

RoughDi quickly switches to a serious face and bows purposefully, saying “Osu.”

—o—

            Keen to get himself a chocolate chip cookie before FullyCharged eats them all AngryBard arrives at the back of the hall at the same time as Kayt and Conning. All they want are two cups of coffee. Discreetly AngryBard tries to study Kayt, while HayWire openly starts gawping at Conning.

“Don’t invade my personal space!” says Conning, “grab those drinks Kayt, we have to dash.”

Scanning the group Conning adds, “we’re on soon, we need to do our make up!  Kristal, come and help us!”

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“I spent it all in Chadwicks!”

“So no cupcake for you then!”

“Don’t be too sure about that. Look, it’s those girls doing the cake stall again. What else do we have?”

“I’ve got an apple in my bag!”

“Give me that then. And watch this!”

Aged thirteen and fourteen, the two boys have a shared room in the Coliseum, and ShortFuse is accustomed to having to play second fiddle to his older brother.

“I’m going to get a free cupcake!”

With the air smelling faintly of lemon and chocolate and overconfidence, ClaireVoyant has transformed the cake stall into a temple of beauty. RoughDi, armed with her apron, her tongs, and an unshakable sense of superiority, is on the case the moment that MegaBite tries to swipe a cake from the corner of the table. Drawn by the scent of chocolate and the promise of some drama, a group of youngsters coalesces at the scene.

“You’ll be on report again,” says RoughDi, “if you’re trying to nick that!”

MegaBite grins, “now now Di, that’s no way to talk to a paying customer!”

“You haven’t paid! And you’re not a customer. You’re a public nuisance.”

ClaireVoyant joins in, “you’d better watch it, Di is doing karate lessons now!”

At the mention of karate Hayley tunes in, quickly bringing her entire clique with her.

MegaBite decides that charm is his preferred martial art, “tell you what, how about I trade you one of these fine apples for a cupcake?”

“It’s got teeth marks in it,” observes ClaireVoyant.

“Proof of freshness!”

Unaware that diplomacy is failing faster than the chocolate chip cookie supply, none of the older crowd are on hand to help. So eight year old FullyCharged decides to be the mature adult in the room. Copying the stance from one of his comic

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Chapter 29
Behind the Scenes 

“We’ll take a break now,” says OpenMike, “please avail yourselves of the refreshments. Franklin and Sylvie have baked some excellent cakes and cookies so please try some, and put all your pennies in our jar.”

The interval is long in order to allow time for friends to catch up with all the news and gossip. From Mme. Troyes’ class at Willowdene Primary, Hayley’s best friend Lollipop wants to chat, and she knows that Hayley is somewhere in the hall. Unavoidably, that means that FullyCharged’s best friend SkippyNightmare, is also heading towards the judges’ seats at the front.

However, before OpenMike has a chance to say “and please be back in your seats in thirty minutes,”  FullyCharged is off like a shot.

The catering staff have prepared four tables of treats across the back wall of the Great Hall. The volunteers RoughDi and ClaireVoyant are running the cake stall, next to Franklin and Faraday who are working on teas and coffees.

Fully provisioned with a chocolate chip cookie in each hand FullyCharged is hanging around at the back looking for SkippyNightmare, whilst he’s at the front looking for FullyCharged.

As the teenagers amass at the back there’s always a blend of chaos and fun, hazard and triumph. Hayley succeeds in guiding all of her eight year old classmates together. Unfortunately, that also means that FullyCharged and SkippyNightmare are now at peak mischief. Mme. Troyes never lets them sit together in her class! She’s not here tonight, so she can’t stop them picking up bad habits from the older kids.

“Quick, give me one penny,” says MegaBite.

ShortFuse responds, “I don’t have anything left. I spent it all in Chadwicks. Where’s your pocket money?”

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BIGBANANA
(Carrying the massive hammer, BIGBANANA appears stage left unseen by OPENMIKE, performs a bouncy walk onto the apron, stops behind him and strikes him on the head.)

BONK!

OPENMIKE
(Slowly and expressively.)
Gordon Bennett!

(BIGBANANA quickly departs the apron stage right. Audience laughter erupts, and subsides.)

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BONK!

BALDMAN
DogMan! What did you go and do that for?

(Now, BIGBANANA appears, taking two steps onto the stage from the right wing. SMALLBANANA bounces across the stage towards him. BALDMAN turns to see both BANANAS running away, each with one hand to their mouth, laughing. Both BANANAS exit stage right. HAYWIRE exits stage left. BALDMAN and DOGMAN reach into the left wing to pick up more soft woollen hammers. Slowly the curtain begins to close normally. Waving their hammers in the air, BALDMAN and DOGMAN run across the stage in pursuit of the BANANAS. All exit stage right. One second later SMALLBANANA and BIGBANANA enter stage right, both carrying hammers, performing the bouncy run they exit stage left, chased at some distance by BALDMAN and DOGMAN both waving their hammers. Just before the curtain closes completely, with all the characters out of sight, BALDMAN speaks to DOGMAN.)

BALDMAN
We’re gonna need a bigger hammer!

OPENMIKE
(Walks centre apron.)
(Addressing the audience.)
Wasn’t that good?
Gordon Bennett!

No, not the bananas! I mean they were good.

But, Gordon Bennett?

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all look at the rope, and then they all peer into the void within the left wing.)

BALDMAN
(Mimicking the amusing, droll voice of Peter Sallis.)
Now then DogMan! I can see what’s happened … what we need is … a hammer!

(DOGMAN crosses the stage, exits right wing. Two seconds later he returns carrying a large club hammer with a 50cm high handle. It’s a stage prop with a head made of cardboard and covered in a thick crocheted layer of wool. DOGMAN hands the hammer to BALDMAN.)

Thank you DogMan.

(BALDMAN takes hold of the hammer, stands astride the rope which is stationery on the floor, and appears to examine something within the void offstage left. He is unable to see anybody on the remainder of the stage. SMALLBANANA enters from the far right carrying an enormous hammer about one metre high. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE both notice and start making distressing noises, ‘ooh, ahh, no’. BALDMAN can hear the commotion, yet continues to stare into the void.)

What’s all that noise DogMan? Stop it! I. Am. Trying. To. Concentrate!

SMALLBANANA
(Performing a bouncy walk across the stage, SMALLBANANA glances briefly at the audience, then approaches BALDMAN from behind. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE silently mimic The Scream by Edvard Munch, but say nothing, and do nothing. SMALLBANANA strikes BALDMAN on the head with the enormous soft hammer. SMALLBANANA speaking as the hammer strikes.)

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(Unseen by the audience NUTJOB holds the other end of the rope enabling a little to and fro movement with HAYWIRE. The rope is then allowed to rest on the floor.)

AUDIENCE
(A mix of gasps and giggles, and some louder laughter as it dawns on the audience that this is melodrama. Whilst they focus on the chaos, discretely GORDON BENNETT walks off stage right.)

NUTJOB
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
Pull harder!

HAYWIRE
(Loud, agitated, addressing NUTJOB who is out of sight.)
I’m trying! It won’t budge!

BALDMAN
(Wearing the familiar costume from the bathtub regatta, BALDMAN enters stage right. The character with the fake bald head and a stupid, old fashioned, green sleeveless sweater is recognised by many in the audience. BALDMAN walks to centre stage. Pauses. With a puzzled look, he examines The Stump and scratches his head. Looks toward the audience, pauses, and looks at The Stump a second time. BALDMAN looks at the audience again, and then at HAYWIRE. He walks past HAYWIRE and stands between him and the edge of the stage, examining the rope. HAYWIRE freezes. BALDMAN looks directly at HAYWIRE and then looks towards NUTJOB who’s concealed within the left wing.)

DOGMAN
(The khaki coloured “dog” with preposterously big, floppy brown ears and a massive, fake black nose crosses from the right wing to join BALDMAN and HAYWIRE at stage left. They

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(Offstage in the right wing are KRISTALCLEAR and CONNING, members of the stage crew.)

CONNING
(Whispering.)
That was amazing. So much better than his ‘buttercups’! He couldn’t have written that himself though!

(KRISTALCLEAR – the Prompt – has a full copy of every script for every Act.)

KRISTALCLEAR
(Whispering.)
It’s the Scott Rochester version from 2025 not 1875. AuntSylvie found it in the library!

(On stage GORDON BENNETT acknowledges the applause, but is anxious to leave, aiming to return to the right wing. He watches as the curtain begins to close. Each side moves only one metre and then shudders to a halt.)

SCENE 6
(The mock fiasco with the curtain is part of the show. The stagehands HAYWIRE and NUTJOB are in the left wing. Over in the right wing the pantoesque characters BALDMAN and DOGMAN, first seen at the bathtub regatta, are ready. Ham fisted melodrama ensues.)

HAYWIRE
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
I can’t! It won’t move!

(Walking backwards, bent forward a little, entering stage left, pulling the end of a taught rope, ignoring the audience and focusing only on the rope.)

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