SlenderWolf

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(Delivered at a fast pace, consistent with clarity.)

• go swimming;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat;
• relax on the beach;
• go sailing;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat again;
• relax on the beach;
• go pony trekking in the hills and stroke a cat;
• then relax on the beach again;
• visit the local markets;
• stroke another cat;
• buy some new clothes;
• stroke a different cat;
• then relax on the NottaBeach next to the market …
• … and stroke a different different cat!

(Normal pace resumes.)
So, what did SimpleSimon want?

• Cheap ale!

Every night he went out to an alehouse, came back to the inn very late, and slept for most of the following day.
NottaPenny was so angry.

Well she would be, wouldn’t she, wouldn’t you be angry?

AUDIENCE
(Lots of nodding. Murmuring. The leading question receives an unambiguous affirmative response.)

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BENET
(Sarcastic, fake, astonished voice.)
A bargain sir … you should charge more!

In Lancer Rodney, NottaPenny spent five sovereigns on one glass of wine. One!

AUDIENCE
(Gasps.)

BENET
That was at the cheapest tavern in town.

AUDIENCE
(More gasps.)

BENET
(Again, gesturing towards MARCUS.)
Double that if you go to a posh tavern.

Or halve it again, if you know Marcus the boss!

SCENE 8
(The island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
(Scanning audience members.)
So what did SimpleSimon and NottaPenny do for one week during their stay in Lancer Rodney?

(Allowing a very brief discussion, and ignoring all of it.)

NottaPenny wanted to:

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Everybody … think back four hundred years … how much do you think a meal for two would have cost SimpleSimon and NottaPenny?

AUDIENCE
(Distinct murmuring. However, nobody is volunteering an answer.)

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
About twenty pennies?

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
Don’t be so stupid, they had old money in those days!

BENET
One hundred sovereigns!

A meal for two with two drinks … one hundred sovereigns!

In the cheap places!

Double that if you go to a posh place like this one.

(All the locals know that Magnum Opus is the best and the most expensive place in town.)

Marcus, how much is a nice glass of wine in your fine establishment?

MARCUS
(Once again, honesty is the best policy. MARCUS responds confidently.)
Twenty two pennies.

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BYSTANDER
Marcus.

BENET
Correct answer!

Marcus, how much money do you have in your purse right now?

MARCUS
(Initially hesitant, but having seen BENET before, MARCUS is willing to join in. He knows that it’s always worth telling the truth. Firstly, nobody wants to destroy BENET’s humorous tale, and secondly, it might backfire on MARCUS if he tells any fibs.)

About one sovereign fifty.

BENET
My word sir! You are rich!

Well now … where was I … food!

If Mr Marcus took Mrs Marcus out for a meal … he would be prepared to spend the entire contents of his purse, about one sovereign fifty, on a meal for two.

(JULIA and MARCUS look at each other in amusement. The locals all know that they’re brother and sister.)

Now I know, that’s a lot of money … and he might not want to spend that much … but it wouldn’t be a life threatening disaster if Mr and Mrs Marcus spent all that money on one lovely meal.

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A geriatric, three legged tortoise with a Zimmer frame would have been faster.

It’s already late afternoon, and they have had nothing all day.

Except for two cups of revolting cold tea! And they were expensive!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
I’m hungry.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
You can’t be hungry! You’ve got a time machine!

FULLYCHARGED
(Reaching for HAYLEY’s lollipop, and whispering.)
I’ve finished mine.

HAYLEY
(Pushing his hand away, and whispering.)
You idiot, you’re supposed to suck it for fifteen minutes, not crunch it all up and eat it straight away!

SCENE 7
(The Market Square in Lancaster, and the island of Lancer Rodney have become one and the same for the purpose of some audience participation.)

BENET
(Selecting a sympathetic face from the crowd, somebody half familiar from a previous visit.)
I need some help from a grown up. You sir! What’s your name?

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Lancer, the jet black cat, sees what’s happening and is jealous. He races along the top of the dwarf stone wall outside the inn, and pounces on Rodney, just before NottaPenny has a chance to stroke him.

In a riot of hissing and clawing, the two cats run off, round the side of the inn, and disappear from sight …

… making a hideous noise …

(energetically imitating cat noises)

… nyaaa-owww-arrr-owww!

NYOWWW!

“Oh no!” says NottaPenny.

“The next time I see that black cat, I’m going to make sure the tabby is safe”.

“Hurry up, let’s check in,” says SimpleSimon, “I’m starving.”

He’s not starving.

He’s a fat, obnoxious git.

And NottaPenny is getting a bit fed up with him. SimpleSimon could probably live for a whole week without food. Although NottaPenny is hungry.

They had to get up at 02:00, spend four hours in an airport, four more hours cooped up inside a metal tube, and another four hours trying to get out of the airport and ride on a motor carriage, to reach the inn.

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AUNTSYLVIE
(Reaches over and places a firm hand on FULLYCHARGED’s shoulder. Says nothing.)

BENET
Lancer and Rodney were the two most important tomcats on the island, and they used to fight like cats and … er … cats.

(Gesturing towards FULLYCHARGED and HAYLEY.)

Just like these two here …

(HAYLEY displays her ‘innocent and disappointed’ face. BENET raises the index finger of his left hand just a little, staring directly at FULLYCHARGED, giving him a top quality Paddington Bear hard stare. FullyCharged shoves his half eaten time machine into his mouth and puffs out his cheeks.)

HAYLEY
(Whispering firmly, whilst suppressing anger.)
You’re so naughty! Now you’re getting me into trouble.

SCENE 6
(Arriving at the inn.)

BENET
The first thing that SimpleSimon and NottaPenny see when they arrive at the inn, is Rodney the cat. Lying in the sun, stretched out, completely relaxed, just inviting somebody to come over and stroke his tummy.

NottaPenny can’t resist the invitation.

A lovely tabby cat, just waiting to be stroked.

She walks over.

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Rodney. They check because nobody in this airport trusts any of the fire-breathing-dragons in the other airports.

Now riddle me this. Why is the island called Lancer Rodney?

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
Rodney was a soldier with a lance.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
Don’t be silly, it’s another made up name!

BENET
(Gesturing towards FULLYCHARGED.)
Yes, young man, speak up! They couldn’t hear you at the back!

FULLYCHARGED
(Loudly)
RODNEY WAS A SOLDIER WITH A LANCE.

(Hayley buries her face in her hands.)

BENET
Yes, absolutely right, Lancer was a cat!

And Rodney was a cat!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering, angrily. Poking HAYLEY in the ribs again.)
You made me say that.

HAYLEY
(Whispering, indignantly.)
I did no such thing!

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to strap them into their seats again because the metal tube was going down onto the ground soon.

SimpleSimon crossed his legs.

And crossed his fingers!

For almost the whole journey, he had to stay in his seat. That was more than four hours.

Can you sit still for four hours?

No, don’t answer that!

At least if you travel on a ship you can walk around a lot. And a ship has lots of toilets. And toilets that work!

SCENE 5
(An airport arrivals hall on the island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
The excitement of a holiday really begins when you get onto the ground in The Canneries.

Who can read Spanish? Who can run the fastest? Who can find a toilet first?

If you were a fast runner you’d get to the toilet before anybody else did, and then you could race towards the bureaucratic guardian of the territorial integrity.

All one of him. So there’s another queue! Another one hour of mandatory fun!

While one man checks that all the passengers from all the multiple airliners are all allowed to enter the Island of Lancer

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