Tag: book1

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“I spent it all in Chadwicks!”

“So no cupcake for you then!”

“Don’t be too sure about that. Look, it’s those girls doing the cake stall again. What else do we have?”

“I’ve got an apple in my bag!”

“Give me that then. And watch this!”

Aged thirteen and fourteen, the two boys have a shared room in the Coliseum, and ShortFuse is accustomed to having to play second fiddle to his older brother.

“I’m going to get a free cupcake!”

With the air smelling faintly of lemon and chocolate and overconfidence, ClaireVoyant has transformed the cake stall into a temple of beauty. RoughDi, armed with her apron, her tongs, and an unshakable sense of superiority, is on the case the moment that MegaBite tries to swipe a cake from the corner of the table. Drawn by the scent of chocolate and the promise of some drama, a group of youngsters coalesces at the scene.

“You’ll be on report again,” says RoughDi, “if you’re trying to nick that!”

MegaBite grins, “now now Di, that’s no way to talk to a paying customer!”

“You haven’t paid! And you’re not a customer. You’re a public nuisance.”

ClaireVoyant joins in, “you’d better watch it, Di is doing karate lessons now!”

At the mention of karate Hayley tunes in, quickly bringing her entire clique with her.

MegaBite decides that charm is his preferred martial art, “tell you what, how about I trade you one of these fine apples for a cupcake?”

“It’s got teeth marks in it,” observes ClaireVoyant.

“Proof of freshness!”

Unaware that diplomacy is failing faster than the chocolate chip cookie supply, none of the older crowd are on hand to help. So eight year old FullyCharged decides to be the mature adult in the room. Copying the stance from one of his comic

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Chapter 29
Behind the Scenes 

“We’ll take a break now,” says OpenMike, “please avail yourselves of the refreshments. Franklin and Sylvie have baked some excellent cakes and cookies so please try some, and put all your pennies in our jar.”

The interval is long in order to allow time for friends to catch up with all the news and gossip. From Mme. Troyes’ class at Willowdene Primary, Hayley’s best friend Lollipop wants to chat, and she knows that Hayley is somewhere in the hall. Unavoidably, that means that FullyCharged’s best friend SkippyNightmare, is also heading towards the judges’ seats at the front.

However, before OpenMike has a chance to say “and please be back in your seats in thirty minutes,”  FullyCharged is off like a shot.

The catering staff have prepared four tables of treats across the back wall of the Great Hall. The volunteers RoughDi and ClaireVoyant are running the cake stall, next to Franklin and Faraday who are working on teas and coffees.

Fully provisioned with a chocolate chip cookie in each hand FullyCharged is hanging around at the back looking for SkippyNightmare, whilst he’s at the front looking for FullyCharged.

As the teenagers amass at the back there’s always a blend of chaos and fun, hazard and triumph. Hayley succeeds in guiding all of her eight year old classmates together. Unfortunately, that also means that FullyCharged and SkippyNightmare are now at peak mischief. Mme. Troyes never lets them sit together in her class! She’s not here tonight, so she can’t stop them picking up bad habits from the older kids.

“Quick, give me one penny,” says MegaBite.

ShortFuse responds, “I don’t have anything left. I spent it all in Chadwicks. Where’s your pocket money?”

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BIGBANANA
(Carrying the massive hammer, BIGBANANA appears stage left unseen by OPENMIKE, performs a bouncy walk onto the apron, stops behind him and strikes him on the head.)

BONK!

OPENMIKE
(Slowly and expressively.)
Gordon Bennett!

(BIGBANANA quickly departs the apron stage right. Audience laughter erupts, and subsides.)

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BONK!

BALDMAN
DogMan! What did you go and do that for?

(Now, BIGBANANA appears, taking two steps onto the stage from the right wing. SMALLBANANA bounces across the stage towards him. BALDMAN turns to see both BANANAS running away, each with one hand to their mouth, laughing. Both BANANAS exit stage right. HAYWIRE exits stage left. BALDMAN and DOGMAN reach into the left wing to pick up more soft woollen hammers. Slowly the curtain begins to close normally. Waving their hammers in the air, BALDMAN and DOGMAN run across the stage in pursuit of the BANANAS. All exit stage right. One second later SMALLBANANA and BIGBANANA enter stage right, both carrying hammers, performing the bouncy run they exit stage left, chased at some distance by BALDMAN and DOGMAN both waving their hammers. Just before the curtain closes completely, with all the characters out of sight, BALDMAN speaks to DOGMAN.)

BALDMAN
We’re gonna need a bigger hammer!

OPENMIKE
(Walks centre apron.)
(Addressing the audience.)
Wasn’t that good?
Gordon Bennett!

No, not the bananas! I mean they were good.

But, Gordon Bennett?

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all look at the rope, and then they all peer into the void within the left wing.)

BALDMAN
(Mimicking the amusing, droll voice of Peter Sallis.)
Now then DogMan! I can see what’s happened … what we need is … a hammer!

(DOGMAN crosses the stage, exits right wing. Two seconds later he returns carrying a large club hammer with a 50cm high handle. It’s a stage prop with a head made of cardboard and covered in a thick crocheted layer of wool. DOGMAN hands the hammer to BALDMAN.)

Thank you DogMan.

(BALDMAN takes hold of the hammer, stands astride the rope which is stationery on the floor, and appears to examine something within the void offstage left. He is unable to see anybody on the remainder of the stage. SMALLBANANA enters from the far right carrying an enormous hammer about one metre high. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE both notice and start making distressing noises, ‘ooh, ahh, no’. BALDMAN can hear the commotion, yet continues to stare into the void.)

What’s all that noise DogMan? Stop it! I. Am. Trying. To. Concentrate!

SMALLBANANA
(Performing a bouncy walk across the stage, SMALLBANANA glances briefly at the audience, then approaches BALDMAN from behind. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE silently mimic The Scream by Edvard Munch, but say nothing, and do nothing. SMALLBANANA strikes BALDMAN on the head with the enormous soft hammer. SMALLBANANA speaking as the hammer strikes.)

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(Unseen by the audience NUTJOB holds the other end of the rope enabling a little to and fro movement with HAYWIRE. The rope is then allowed to rest on the floor.)

AUDIENCE
(A mix of gasps and giggles, and some louder laughter as it dawns on the audience that this is melodrama. Whilst they focus on the chaos, discretely GORDON BENNETT walks off stage right.)

NUTJOB
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
Pull harder!

HAYWIRE
(Loud, agitated, addressing NUTJOB who is out of sight.)
I’m trying! It won’t budge!

BALDMAN
(Wearing the familiar costume from the bathtub regatta, BALDMAN enters stage right. The character with the fake bald head and a stupid, old fashioned, green sleeveless sweater is recognised by many in the audience. BALDMAN walks to centre stage. Pauses. With a puzzled look, he examines The Stump and scratches his head. Looks toward the audience, pauses, and looks at The Stump a second time. BALDMAN looks at the audience again, and then at HAYWIRE. He walks past HAYWIRE and stands between him and the edge of the stage, examining the rope. HAYWIRE freezes. BALDMAN looks directly at HAYWIRE and then looks towards NUTJOB who’s concealed within the left wing.)

DOGMAN
(The khaki coloured “dog” with preposterously big, floppy brown ears and a massive, fake black nose crosses from the right wing to join BALDMAN and HAYWIRE at stage left. They

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(Offstage in the right wing are KRISTALCLEAR and CONNING, members of the stage crew.)

CONNING
(Whispering.)
That was amazing. So much better than his ‘buttercups’! He couldn’t have written that himself though!

(KRISTALCLEAR – the Prompt – has a full copy of every script for every Act.)

KRISTALCLEAR
(Whispering.)
It’s the Scott Rochester version from 2025 not 1875. AuntSylvie found it in the library!

(On stage GORDON BENNETT acknowledges the applause, but is anxious to leave, aiming to return to the right wing. He watches as the curtain begins to close. Each side moves only one metre and then shudders to a halt.)

SCENE 6
(The mock fiasco with the curtain is part of the show. The stagehands HAYWIRE and NUTJOB are in the left wing. Over in the right wing the pantoesque characters BALDMAN and DOGMAN, first seen at the bathtub regatta, are ready. Ham fisted melodrama ensues.)

HAYWIRE
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
I can’t! It won’t move!

(Walking backwards, bent forward a little, entering stage left, pulling the end of a taught rope, ignoring the audience and focusing only on the rope.)

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VI
It’s loose, it moves, it’s forcefully making,
A breeze all over the place,
It flips and it flops and it flaps like a fan,
I detect a cool wind on my face.

VII
It’s flappy but thin, and it’s long like a string,
It’s robust, and it’s sturdy I hope,
I’m sure that some of you have it wrong,
It feels like I’m holding a rope.

VIII
Whether snake, rope or tree, they couldn’t agree,
Was it a spear, or a fan, or a wall?
In isolation, incomplete information,
And a lack of sight was confusing them all.

MORAL
Each fact was quite true, individually checked,
But each chap was creating illusions,
Think it through, take advice, take time to reflect,
Listen carefully … don’t jump to conclusions.

(Slowly GORDON BENNETT rises to his feet and amateurishly bows.)

AUDIENCE
(Heartfelt shouts of ‘Bravo’, and much applause.)

AUNTSYLVIE
(Addressing FULLYCHARGED individually.)
That was good! Really good advice!

Later on I’m going to explain all of it to you.

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A long, long time ago, in a faraway land called Indostan there was a famous fable, as told in the poem by John Godfrey Saxe.

May I present the more modern version?

The almost true true story
of the Blind Men and the Elephant

I
In India the six wise men,
All blind since birth we are told,
Came upon the elephant,
A puzzle for them all to behold.

II
The first reached out and placed his hand,
Up and down and all along one side,
It’s strong just like a wall he said,
Both high and exceedingly wide.

III
Another found the pointy bit,
And overcome with fear,
Withdrew his hand, from the tip of a tusk,
Saying, I think that I just touched a spear.

IV
It’s not so sharp said number three,
It wriggles, it writhes, and it twists,
I think it must be a snake he said,
I can’t hold it, it’s hurting my wrists.

V
This is no snake, it’s fatter than me,
Great presence, great strength and great girth,
I think we must be touching a tree,
Soundly rooted right here to the earth.

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and an untidy beard. Instead of wearing a wolfskin jacket, he is comically wearing a sheepskin rug. On reaching The Stump he sits down facing the back wall. Making it abundantly obvious, he pulls out a Time Machine from his pocket, spins around and faces the audience.)

AUDIENCE
(Various people exclaim.)
It’s MaxChaos!

(A chuckle ripples through the Great Hall as more people begin to recognise him.)

(Director’s note: MaxChaos is the first person to acknowledge that he is not a natural born entertainer nor a story teller. However, he does look a bit like Benet. He’s seen Benet’s routine a few times, and he has agreed to do a five minute skit as a fictitious character named Gordon Bennett! For his debut appearance he has stipulated that he should be allowed to carry a large print book on stage and actually read the story directly from the book. That way there is no need to memorise any lines!)

GORDON BENNETT
(Valiantly mimicking the tenor of BENET, and using the same introduction, though slightly stilted.)

Are we all sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

May I first remind you of what Mark Twain said? In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place at the right time. It is the task of historians and story tellers to rectify this error.

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