Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries200


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The flying metal tubes were called airliners.

They were one hundred times faster than a horse, and twenty times faster than a ship. The airliners guzzled vast amounts of oil, and that was part of the reason for the energy crisis of 2162.

A holiday involved lots of strange rituals … mandatory rituals … and lots of money. Generally, people didn’t do any work on a holiday so they just wasted their time away, wasted their money away, and generally made themselves poorer.

And sunburnt!

They would come back home from a holiday and boast about how fantastic it was, and how the best bit was when SimpleSimon had had a drink or three, ate something called a Vindaloo, then lost his purse and couldn’t get a motorised hackney cab back to the inn.

SCENE 3
(An image of a mysterious institution, an airport.)

BENET
Up the road from here, there’s a place that we call a harbour, or a port. Well, in the old days there used to be places like that called airports. They were manically overcrowded hell holes of people … technology … and guardians.

• The robot guardian of the travel warrant;
• The bureaucratic guardian of the territorial integrity;
• The scatter brained guardian of the forbidden belongings; and
• The fire breathing guardian of the gate.

And they all hated each other!


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries199


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But first, they had to get there!

How would you go to the coast of Africa?

AUDIENCE
(Excitedly, dozens of children start shouting, including FULLYCHARGED, who can be heard clearly above the rest.)

Ship!

BENET
Yes! By ship! And how long would that take you?

AUDIENCE
(A moment’s silence. The boys look puzzled, the girls look thoughtful.)

HAYLEY
(Responding aloud and alone.)
Seven days?

BENET
Yes … seven days … and another seven days to get back again.

FULLYCHARGED
(Poking HAYLEY in the ribs as he addresses her in a whisper.)
I knew that!

BENET
For a whole year SimpleSimon and NottaPenny saved up all of their pennies. Thousands of pennies! In old money, naturally! They needed hundreds and hundreds of Sovereigns, to book a seven night stay at an inn, and a passage aboard a flying metal tube!


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries198


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A long, long time ago …

… back in the days when the Cannery Islands were inhabited … you might have heard of them … they’re desert islands in the Atlantic Ocean, just off the coast of Africa. They have strange names like Lap Llama, Lancer Rodney, Grim Canterbury, Tender Reef and Furtive Adventure.

Four hundred years ago … that was before I was born you know …

Yes it was!

I’m only fifteen …

Honest! Don’t let the beard put you off. I’m still at school, just like you!

Four hundred years ago … the Cannery Islands had water, and plants, and towns, with taverns and ale houses. And people used to go there on a holiday. You know … a holiday … it was one of those things where you climbed inside a flying metal tube so that you could spend a few nights away from home, relaxing and enjoying yourself in the sun.

Of course, the world wasn’t so hot back then. Nowadays The Canneries are a barren death trap. It’s said that shipwrecked sailors who wash up there can barely survive an hour or two.

By sunset … you’d be dead!

When SimpleSimon and his girlfriend, NottaPenny, decided to go to The Canneries on holiday, the daily temperatures used to be around thirty degrees. Just like Wolfland is today. And they could happily walk about wearing a T shirt and shorts.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries197


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Chapter 26
The Almost True True Story of The Canneries

SCENE 1
(The Market Square in Lancaster, temporarily renamed Jackanory Square. An assembly of children aged from five and up are excited yet orderly. Benet is sitting on a large block of roughly hewn tree trunk taken from a Poplar tree, whilst holding a large, red, leather bound volume which appears to be a story book. Periodically he refers to the volume, but it contains only a few notes and serves as a simple aide memoire.)

BENET
(Polite, regular, yet commanding voice, creating the air of a friendly school teacher.)

Are we all sitting comfortably?

Then I’ll begin.

May I first remind you of what Mark Twain said?

In the real world, nothing ever happens in the right place at the right time. It is the task of historians and story tellers to rectify this error.

SCENE 2
(An image of desolate, desert islands is invoked.)

BENET
(Mimicking the style of the famous story tellers of old, such as Bernard Cribbins or Kenneth Williams. Using an animated narrator’s voice to invoke drama and suspense as required, and matching the tone and volume to the content of the story, where possible, adopting fictitious voices to represent different  characters.)


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Chapter 25 Jackanory Square195


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Benet walks to The Stump and stands on top of it. That’s the signal that everybody is to be quiet, because story time is about to commence. He doesn’t need to say anything. Dutifully, a complete hush descends over Jackanory Square.

Benet scans the whole square, there is silence everywhere, the terrace of the Find Thyme Café is packed with people, and nobody is talking. Various people are sitting on the steps of the Town Hall, members of staff from the Chamber, the library, the museum, and the research institute. So many people, that there are rows of them standing at the back.

The owners, Honey and Tigger are standing to one side of the entrance to Magnum Opus, and their adult children Julia and Marcus are standing on the other. The staff and all the customers are silent, eagerly anticipating Benet’s latest, almost true true story.

Benet sits down on The Stump and the kids create a tidal wave of whispers. He looks at them disapprovingly, and then everything goes quiet again. One or two birds chirping, and nothing else.


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Chapter 25 Jackanory Square194


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The Stump is placed outside the Law Courts at  the eastern end of Jackanory Square. Although they’re tiny the Law Courts are housed in a grandiose building. It’s a near perfect replica of the Town Hall at the other end of the square, just smaller. Although it is a faithful copy, with stylish columns, a portico, and a mini clock tower of its own.

From The Stump the gentle incline towards the Town Hall creates a natural amphitheatre where the older kids at the back can easily see over the heads of the smaller ones. The kids can see the clock above the Law Courts and Benet has a perfect view of the Harrison Clock above the Town Hall. Not Mr Harrison’s original, but a modern replica made by Harrison Time Pieces.

TomBaker wheels out a time machine laden tea trolley from his bakery.

AuntSylvie and NurseCathy arrive first with around twenty youngsters, a mix of orphans and their school friends, and predictably dotty Miss Gibson is trying to help, even though she doesn’t like noisy children. The Colonel and Miss Gibson are not related. They met when he left the Sidooryn and moved from Mannin into the retirement home at the Noble Coliseum. Miss Gibson thinks she’s helping out, so they all indulge her whilst the Colonel does his best to referee the match.

Predictably, FullyCharged is at the front of the queue! He’s the first to drop two pennies into the hat and pick up a time machine. He races to the middle of the front row, quickly followed by Hayley.

“Back a few rows please,” says AuntSylvie, “you’re both eight years old now, the tiny tots get the front seats.”

Not that there are any seats! DocDan is doing his best to help seat the right kids in the right place in spite of being assisted by Miss Gibson.

In no time at all, there are about a hundred primary school pupils sitting on the ground, sucking their time machines. Nearly a full house! Rory checks the tea trolly. Not many left over, he might not get a second one this time.


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Chapter 25 Jackanory Square193


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Chapter 25
Jackanory Square

Yesterday, Benet arrived in town.

The word spread like wildfire. It was impossible to keep it from the kids, because Rory, TomBaker’s eight year old son, helps out making the time machines. As soon as Rory knew, all of his friends knew, and then the whole of Lancaster knew.

Around Jackanory Square the shops and cafés have been preparing for the influx. Betty knows that the Find Thyme Café will have more guests than usual. Julia and Marcus are setting out extra tables and chairs in front of Magnum Opus, just as the Colonel and Miss Gibson arrive. DocDan is wheeling out a small trolley from the Central Library, bringing a long rope and The Stump.

He’s not a doctor! Doc is short for “document”.

DocDan is the assistant librarian and he knows the library inside out. If somebody needs a particular book or document, DocDan will find it quicker than anybody else. Half of the time he doesn’t even need to look up the index. He was nicknamed DocDan by the real doctors who work at the research institute next door.

“Good to see you Benet!”

“Dan! How are you?”

“I’m fine, how are you?”

“Frazzled. As usual!”

That’s Benet’s standard response. On a good day he’s frazzled, and on a bad day he’s double plus frazzled. It’s only when story time is over that he lightens up. If anything doesn’t go quite right he always blames his old frazzled brain. If it all goes well, he’ll claim to have succeeded, in spite of his befrazzlement.

According to Benet, that’s a genuine English word! If he’s challenged he just says, “well it is now! The English language is fluid you know! Always changing!”


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Chapter 24 Fate Rewards the Brave190


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“Oh, this is terrible, if it’s bad, it’s terrible, if it’s good, it’s terrible! I don’t know what’s worse!”

“This isn’t making any sense, what’s good, what’s terrible?”

“At work this afternoon, I had an unexpected visitor. He was asking about shipments of silver, and zinc. He wasn’t asking about provisioning at all!”

“Who?”

“MaxChaos!”

“MaxChaos? What’s so bad about that?”

“He gave me a love letter!”

Stunned silence!

Followed by more stunned silence!

Staring at Conning with incredulity, KristalClear can sense creepy crawlies climbing up the back of her neck, becoming tangled and trapped in her clean, beautiful, long, deep brown hair. She can feel a cold, wet haddock taking hold of her hand, tugging her towards a chilly Irish Sea. Her feet are twitching as she senses quicksand begin to ooze up and engulf her shoes, with an insurmountable force pulling her down.

“That’s interesting,” she says, “tell me more!”

Once again, not knowing whether to laugh or cry Conning can feel tears of anguish battling to cascade down her delicate, pretty face. She fights them back.

“It was awful! He obviously wrote it himself, without any help. You know he’s not good at reading and writing.”

“What did it say?”

“I can’t tell you, childish gibberish, something about buttercups … that’s enough!”

“Yes, and how does that make you feel?”

Conning’s mind is wandering. She doesn’t answer the question. Her thoughts are already racing in a different direction. She’s thinking the horoscope said “played well, this may be a stepping stone”.

Conning blurts out, “oh no, is this supposed to be good news? What did I say? I told him he has BO! Well, I didn’t say ‘you have BO’, I said he smelt of fish. He’s probably too thick


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Chapter 24 Fate Rewards the Brave189


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“NutJob just gave me today’s paper. What do you know about CelesteEmbrace?”

Pinching the skin beneath her chin, and raising her eye brows Conning says, “ooh, embracing him now are you? Don’t talk to me about your love life! I don’t have one!”

“No it’s a name, CelesteEmbrace.”

“Celeste Embrace? Is it the name of a novel?”

“You’ve never heard of her? CelesteEmbrace? She writes a column for The Lancastrian.”

“What sort of column?”

“She does horoscopes.”

“Ooh, show me, what does mine say?”

“Your birthday’s just after mine isn’t it, but you’re not a Virgo … you’re a Libra! Ooh! That’s the first one we looked at earlier!”

Conning presses her to read it out, “what does it say?”

Libra

Thrilling news awaits you, though it may raise anxiety levels at first. Sometimes the best things come from unexpected directions. Your determination and positive energy will help you make the most of a new opportunity. Played well, this may be a stepping stone to an explosive new development for you, or for somebody close to you. Keep your options open, and be mindful what you say. Fate rewards the brave.

Puzzled, Conning says, “well it was unexpected, but it wasn’t exactly thrilling!”

“What are you talking about?” asks KristalClear.

“Oh nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything. Can we just leave it?”

“No, you can’t just stop now, and not explain. You have to tell me!”


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