Chapter 27 Inventors Club225


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“Did this shark brush its teeth properly?” asks CandiCrush, “there’s an odd smell of fish!”

“Chemicals probably!” replies BarmyWaffle, “we have lots of them. Come and have a look.”

Everybody moves further down, towards the cabinets at one end of the lab.

BarmyWaffle has some questions, “HayWire, Max, you were making hydrogen weren’t you? What did you use?”

MaxChaos knows that a goat’s bladder was involved, but leaves it to HayWire to explain the rest.

“Iron shavings added to hydrochloric acid. Drain cleaner actually! I don’t have access to anything serious where I work.”

“We do. We have hydrochloric acid, and sulphuric acid too. Though we use them mainly for cleaning things, removing impurities, that sort of thing. We don’t use any of it as a component in a process. Fluid dynamics is a challenging subject. I know it, but Tom and Jerry don’t. Anyway, we don’t need complexity.”

HayWire joins in, “fluid dynamics is fine, I don’t know why everybody gets so het up about it, even my GuildMaster! I know it’s difficult for some people, but I don’t understand why!”

BarmyWaffle is surprised, “where did you learn fluid dynamics? They don’t teach it in schools. They did that at universities in the old days.”

CandiCrush interrupts, “Barmy, turn on the fan in the fume cupboard, all these smells are getting to me.”

Excited, HayWire wants to launch into a detailed discussion, “Mr Whitton, my maths teacher! He spent extra time with me outside regular lessons, taught me calculus, and then I started reading more. I asked him about Navier-Stokes equations. He only half knew it, so we studied it together. Best teacher I ever had!”

“You understand non-linear partial differential equations?”

“Theoretically, yes, never used them in practice!”


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Chapter 27 Inventors Club224


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“It’s all about flexibility of use,” says CandiCrush, “bows and arrows, and crossbows are the standard now, because they’re easier to make, easier to use, and easier to replace.”

“What we do in the Innovation Lab,” says BarmyWaffle, “is try to make existing stuff better. We’d like to invent something new and revolutionary too. We’ve been trying. And that’s why we’ve invited you lot over. Fresh, creative, young minds! You might spot something that we’ve overlooked.”

Unlike the others, MaxChaos seems unable to focus on one thing in particular. His eyes are constantly wandering trying to take it all in. CandiCrush is watching him. Like a little boy in a toy shop, with a sparkle in his eye, he’s looking everywhere at everything. However, there is something quietly magnetic about him.

“Take a look at this,” says CandiCrush, taking MaxChaos by the arm and leading him to JerryMac’s workbench. As her right hand takes hold of his left bicep she notices that this man has some seriously good muscles.

HayWire follows them to the bench. KristalClear notices and guides NutJob towards JerryMac.

CandiCrush says, “bone seems to be the new wonder material. Fish, chicken, goat. There’s as much of that as we’d like. There are others which are less common. Barmy …”

“Sometimes we can get shark,” says BarmyWaffle, “and recently we were given some llama bone. HopAlong used to keep llamas, but one of them died. He’s retiring now anyway, so I don’t think we’ll see much of this again. It has a unique flexibility and strength.”

“This is wolf bone,” says JerryMac, “we don’t get much of this either. Incredibly strong and long lasting.”

HayWire picks up some wolf bone.

“That’s a femur, the tibias are longer and we’ve used them up already. We can get long bones from deer too, but they’re not quite the same. Wolf is best. It’s certainly stronger than the bone we get from farmed animals.”


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Chapter 27 Inventors Club223


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“What’s your name?”

“Mickey.”

“Jenifer.”

Jenifer Silverman places two of her fingers on her own lips, kisses them, and places those two fingers against his lips. MickeyWarr is left speechless.

—o—

            TomTom and JerryMac are arranging a few materials on the workbench so that BarmyWaffle can show the group the types of things that they work with. A variety of soft and hard wood, an assortment of metals, and a collection of bone samples.

“If it’s commercially available, we can get it,” he says, “though things like diamond cutters are costly, so we still have to exercise some care with how much we spend. We’d rather have natural stuff, and stuff that we can find locally.”

“Why doesn’t the Garrison have old fashioned guns?” asks HayWire, “surely there are books with detailed plans?”

“Well, there are still a few books like that. Though fewer than we might expect. Everything moved from paper to the internet a long time ago! And obviously there are no computers any more. Nobody can make semi-conductors. Lots of the valuable books in London were lost in The Decimation.”

TomTom chips in, “the big problem with guns is smelting iron ore. Without coal, and with fewer furnaces, they run less often and at lower temperatures. Charcoal doesn’t work as well.”

JerryMac says, “we could make shotguns and muskets if we wanted to, it’s been done, but they’re not practical for Garrison use. When resources are available, we prefer to use them for cannons and cannon balls. If we lose one ship, we lose a lot of valuable hardware like that.”


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Chapter 27 Inventors Club222


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the cook, DeepSigh made it earlier, I’m sorry it’s cold now, I thought you wouldn’t mind some cold chicken stew!”

“How? What? Yes, chicken? I’ve not had chicken since I arrived here! How did you do this?”

“Have you ever seen a Meirionydd Sovereign? You can achieve a lot with just one Meirionydd Sovereign!”

“Why did you come here? OK, I can guess why you came here!”

He’s interrupted before he has a chance to say anything else. Slender has thought carefully about the next step, but she doesn’t have an actual escape plan. Nor has she worked out how to escape without having a devastating impact on her father.

“We have to find a way to get some more time and space. Then we have to invent a robust escape plan. Can you cook?”

“Cook?”

“You can cook! I don’t care if you can or you can’t. You tell them that you’re a good cook. DeepSigh needs help, she needs a good cook, and I need you on the Bandersnatch. Not in here! And definitely not on the Blackbird!”

“I can cook. But I’ve got another 24 hours in solitary.”

She stares at his face, it’s the first time she’s had a chance to see it properly, really close up. It’s not only dirty, but there are bags under his eyes, his hair is a mess, and he hasn’t shaved for three days.

But it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t conceal his beauty. His intense chestnut eyes give him a confident, serious appearance. A well-defined nose, perfectly proportioned for his face, is Slender’s idea of a strong, classic, masculine look. And his lips are full and natural, soft but serious. He’s not smiling right now, but when he does, she knows that it lights up his whole face.

She can’t tune in. Everything on the wavelength is happening so quickly. There’s a tingling and a fuzziness all at the same time. She so wants to kiss him. Right here, right now, but he’s dirty.


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Chapter 27 Inventors Club221


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Chapter 27
Inventors Club

Despite being used on a regular basis, a fetid smell persists. It’s obvious that nobody ever bothers to clean the cells.

A small window high up on the northern wall, is fitted with solid iron bars. It has no glass. The rudimentary iron bedstead has no mattress, and instead it’s covered with just enough tatty, old carpet to dull the annoying wire lattice.

The sun never shines through the tiny window, but there’s enough light and warmth to keep the cell one notch above “totally depressing”.

This is the business end of the Asylum. A handful of prison cells inside a bigger prison. Conscripts can move about freely within the enormous, locked building unless, like MickeyWarr, they’re confined to a cell. Forty eight hours in solitary is the punishment for errant behaviour. It would have been fourteen days if they had known that MickeyWarr was trying to escape, but as far as they could see all he did was step out of line and try to talk to an officer.

Perhaps being in solitary confinement is good news? It certainly delayed the first tour of duty on either The Frumious Bandersnatch or The Whiffling Blackbird.

The highlight of the day in a prison cell is meal time. A momentary brief interaction with another human being, supplying another dish of slop. Cold slop!

The orderlies work the small cells last.

The door opens. A small enamel bowl enters first, followed by a hand, followed by an orderly wearing a long, hooded cape. The orderly lifts the hood and they stare at each other in amazement. Wisely, they both remain silent.

MickeyWarr is totally gobsmacked. He can’t work out how Slender managed to do this. Slender is astonished, because she’s staring at a dirty man in a dirty prison cell!

“We have only one minute,” she whispers in the lowest conceivable whisper, “I’ve brought you some stew. DeepSigh,


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries219


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Marcus and Julia are wondering if they should put something in the hat this time, they look across to their parents Honey and Tigger.

Honey nods.

Marcus walks over to Benet and empties the entire contents of his purse into the hat. About one sovereign fifty. Magnum Opus cannot buy publicity this good!

“Thank you Marcus,” says Benet, “you were a star today!”

He responds, “no, I think you were the star!”

All of Benet’s stories are delivered well. Although today has been an exceptionally good day for him. He can pay his dues to Franklin and TomBaker, and what’s left will keep him going for quite a while.

Next Friday he might be in Ulverston, or Ormskirk, or Skipton, but nobody knows. But he will be back in Lancaster again soon.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries218


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(Dramatically.)
When they got back to London, she dumped him.

And got a cat!

(Calmly.)
And that was the true, true story of The Canneries.

Do you think this one was true?

AUDIENCE
(Jackanory Square reverberates with a resounding and unequivocal response.)

No!

BENET
(In a mix of humour and belligerence.)
This one was completely true!

—o—

Benet receives a magnificent round of applause, the children are bouncing about with joy, they know that when Benet says it’s “completely true” it almost certainly isn’t! It’s only when he says it’s “definitely true” that they need to think about it!

Around the Market Square people are making a bee line for Benet’s hat.

As the tips flood in, TomBaker and Rory are also on their feet at the front, helping Benet with extra hats. In part, the parents are paying the story teller a bit extra for entertaining their children so well, and in part, it’s because they themselves were highly amused.


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