Novels by Scott Rochester
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BIGBANANA
(Carrying the massive hammer, BIGBANANA appears stage left unseen by OPENMIKE, performs a bouncy walk onto the apron, stops behind him and strikes him on the head.)
BONK!
OPENMIKE
(Slowly and expressively.)
Gordon Bennett!
(BIGBANANA quickly departs the apron stage right. Audience laughter erupts, and subsides.)
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Previous – Book1 Page249 – Next
BONK!
BALDMAN
DogMan! What did you go and do that for?
(Now, BIGBANANA appears, taking two steps onto the stage from the right wing. SMALLBANANA bounces across the stage towards him. BALDMAN turns to see both BANANAS running away, each with one hand to their mouth, laughing. Both BANANAS exit stage right. HAYWIRE exits stage left. BALDMAN and DOGMAN reach into the left wing to pick up more soft woollen hammers. Slowly the curtain begins to close normally. Waving their hammers in the air, BALDMAN and DOGMAN run across the stage in pursuit of the BANANAS. All exit stage right. One second later SMALLBANANA and BIGBANANA enter stage right, both carrying hammers, performing the bouncy run they exit stage left, chased at some distance by BALDMAN and DOGMAN both waving their hammers. Just before the curtain closes completely, with all the characters out of sight, BALDMAN speaks to DOGMAN.)
BALDMAN
We’re gonna need a bigger hammer!
OPENMIKE
(Walks centre apron.)
(Addressing the audience.)
Wasn’t that good?
Gordon Bennett!
No, not the bananas! I mean they were good.
But, Gordon Bennett?
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Previous – Book1 Page248 – Next
all look at the rope, and then they all peer into the void within the left wing.)
BALDMAN
(Mimicking the amusing, droll voice of Peter Sallis.)
Now then DogMan! I can see what’s happened … what we need is … a hammer!
(DOGMAN crosses the stage, exits right wing. Two seconds later he returns carrying a large club hammer with a 50cm high handle. It’s a stage prop with a head made of cardboard and covered in a thick crocheted layer of wool. DOGMAN hands the hammer to BALDMAN.)
Thank you DogMan.
(BALDMAN takes hold of the hammer, stands astride the rope which is stationery on the floor, and appears to examine something within the void offstage left. He is unable to see anybody on the remainder of the stage. SMALLBANANA enters from the far right carrying an enormous hammer about one metre high. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE both notice and start making distressing noises, ‘ooh, ahh, no’. BALDMAN can hear the commotion, yet continues to stare into the void.)
What’s all that noise DogMan? Stop it! I. Am. Trying. To. Concentrate!
SMALLBANANA
(Performing a bouncy walk across the stage, SMALLBANANA glances briefly at the audience, then approaches BALDMAN from behind. DOGMAN and HAYWIRE silently mimic The Scream by Edvard Munch, but say nothing, and do nothing. SMALLBANANA strikes BALDMAN on the head with the enormous soft hammer. SMALLBANANA speaking as the hammer strikes.)
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(Unseen by the audience NUTJOB holds the other end of the rope enabling a little to and fro movement with HAYWIRE. The rope is then allowed to rest on the floor.)
AUDIENCE
(A mix of gasps and giggles, and some louder laughter as it dawns on the audience that this is melodrama. Whilst they focus on the chaos, discretely GORDON BENNETT walks off stage right.)
NUTJOB
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
Pull harder!
HAYWIRE
(Loud, agitated, addressing NUTJOB who is out of sight.)
I’m trying! It won’t budge!
BALDMAN
(Wearing the familiar costume from the bathtub regatta, BALDMAN enters stage right. The character with the fake bald head and a stupid, old fashioned, green sleeveless sweater is recognised by many in the audience. BALDMAN walks to centre stage. Pauses. With a puzzled look, he examines The Stump and scratches his head. Looks toward the audience, pauses, and looks at The Stump a second time. BALDMAN looks at the audience again, and then at HAYWIRE. He walks past HAYWIRE and stands between him and the edge of the stage, examining the rope. HAYWIRE freezes. BALDMAN looks directly at HAYWIRE and then looks towards NUTJOB who’s concealed within the left wing.)
DOGMAN
(The khaki coloured “dog” with preposterously big, floppy brown ears and a massive, fake black nose crosses from the right wing to join BALDMAN and HAYWIRE at stage left. They
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(Offstage in the right wing are KRISTALCLEAR and CONNING, members of the stage crew.)
CONNING
(Whispering.)
That was amazing. So much better than his ‘buttercups’! He couldn’t have written that himself though!
(KRISTALCLEAR – the Prompt – has a full copy of every script for every Act.)
KRISTALCLEAR
(Whispering.)
It’s the Scott Rochester version from 2025 not 1875. AuntSylvie found it in the library!
(On stage GORDON BENNETT acknowledges the applause, but is anxious to leave, aiming to return to the right wing. He watches as the curtain begins to close. Each side moves only one metre and then shudders to a halt.)
SCENE 6
(The mock fiasco with the curtain is part of the show. The stagehands HAYWIRE and NUTJOB are in the left wing. Over in the right wing the pantoesque characters BALDMAN and DOGMAN, first seen at the bathtub regatta, are ready. Ham fisted melodrama ensues.)
HAYWIRE
(Loudly, whilst offstage left.)
I can’t! It won’t move!
(Walking backwards, bent forward a little, entering stage left, pulling the end of a taught rope, ignoring the audience and focusing only on the rope.)
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VI
It’s loose, it moves, it’s forcefully making,
A breeze all over the place,
It flips and it flops and it flaps like a fan,
I detect a cool wind on my face.
VII
It’s flappy but thin, and it’s long like a string,
It’s robust, and it’s sturdy I hope,
I’m sure that some of you have it wrong,
It feels like I’m holding a rope.
VIII
Whether snake, rope or tree, they couldn’t agree,
Was it a spear, or a fan, or a wall?
In isolation, incomplete information,
And a lack of sight was confusing them all.
MORAL
Each fact was quite true, individually checked,
But each chap was creating illusions,
Think it through, take advice, take time to reflect,
Listen carefully … don’t jump to conclusions.
(Slowly GORDON BENNETT rises to his feet and amateurishly bows.)
AUDIENCE
(Heartfelt shouts of ‘Bravo’, and much applause.)
AUNTSYLVIE
(Addressing FULLYCHARGED individually.)
That was good! Really good advice!
Later on I’m going to explain all of it to you.
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A long, long time ago, in a faraway land called Indostan there was a famous fable, as told in the poem by John Godfrey Saxe.
May I present the more modern version?
The almost true true story
of the Blind Men and the Elephant
I
In India the six wise men,
All blind since birth we are told,
Came upon the elephant,
A puzzle for them all to behold.
II
The first reached out and placed his hand,
Up and down and all along one side,
It’s strong just like a wall he said,
Both high and exceedingly wide.
III
Another found the pointy bit,
And overcome with fear,
Withdrew his hand, from the tip of a tusk,
Saying, I think that I just touched a spear.
IV
It’s not so sharp said number three,
It wriggles, it writhes, and it twists,
I think it must be a snake he said,
I can’t hold it, it’s hurting my wrists.
V
This is no snake, it’s fatter than me,
Great presence, great strength and great girth,
I think we must be touching a tree,
Soundly rooted right here to the earth.
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and an untidy beard. Instead of wearing a wolfskin jacket, he is comically wearing a sheepskin rug. On reaching The Stump he sits down facing the back wall. Making it abundantly obvious, he pulls out a Time Machine from his pocket, spins around and faces the audience.)
AUDIENCE
(Various people exclaim.)
It’s MaxChaos!
(A chuckle ripples through the Great Hall as more people begin to recognise him.)
(Director’s note: MaxChaos is the first person to acknowledge that he is not a natural born entertainer nor a story teller. However, he does look a bit like Benet. He’s seen Benet’s routine a few times, and he has agreed to do a five minute skit as a fictitious character named Gordon Bennett! For his debut appearance he has stipulated that he should be allowed to carry a large print book on stage and actually read the story directly from the book. That way there is no need to memorise any lines!)
GORDON BENNETT
(Valiantly mimicking the tenor of BENET, and using the same introduction, though slightly stilted.)
Are we all sitting comfortably?
Then I’ll begin.
May I first remind you of what Mark Twain said? In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place at the right time. It is the task of historians and story tellers to rectify this error.
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(Resuming the role of a formal host.)
We asked Benet to be here this evening, to read you another almost true true story. He sends his apologies that he couldn’t make it. Instead, he’s arranged for one of his friends to deliver a story on his behalf.
SCENE 5
(OPENMIKE walks apron far right, as the curtain slowly opens to reveal an almost empty space with sombre lighting. Perfectly positioned centre stage, The Stump from Jackanory Square can just be seen.)
OPENMIKE
(Stage lighting becomes brighter.)
Tonight, in Jackanory Square …
(The curtain is near fully open.)
… please give a Noble Coliseum welcome to … Gordon Bennett!
(Curtain open. Lighting subdued. The Stump is visible. The stage is empty as OPENMIKE prepares to exit stage right.)
AUDIENCE
(Puzzled. Thinking that OPENMIKE said BENET is not here. Who is this GORDON BENNETT? Why is the stage empty?)
GORDON BENNETT
(A well built man emerges from the right wing near the front of the stage, slowly walking in a diagonal line, towards the back of the stage aiming for the far left. This deliberately presents a rear three quarter view allowing the audience to see more of his back than his front. He approaches centre stage where the lighting is better. His appearance becomes a little clearer. However, his head is bowed and he is not showing his face. He definitely resembles BENET with a fulsome head of long hair,
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SMALLBANANA
(SMALLBANANA turns and looks directly at OPENMIKE, obviously making eye contact. They exchange puzzled glances, but say nothing. In a peculiar bouncy style, resembling the Looney Tunes skunk Pepé Le Pew, SMALLBANANA crosses the apron, passing behind OPENMIKE. Quickly exits stage right.)
AUDIENCE
(Now laughing their heads off.)
SMALLBANANA
(Before the laughter subsides SMALLBANANA emerges from stage right, pauses for less than a second, then repeats the bouncy, running walk to cross the stage as before, and exit stage left.)
AUDIENCE
(The audience barely reaches the climax of the current bout of raucous laughter when another bespectacled banana appears from stage right.)
BIGBANANA
(Exaggerated and semi panicked conduct. BIGBANANA pauses for less than a second, then performs a more meaningful bouncy run across the stage, bumping into OPENMIKE’s back. Does not pause to say anything, and exits the stage far left as if he’s chasing SMALLBANANA.)
AUDIENCE
(The older members of the audience now realise this has been scripted. The kids are just enjoying themselves. Graciously, the adults join in with fake looks of surprise, and giggles.)
OPENMIKE
(Addressing the audience.)
Yes … (Shrugs, deliberately leaves the sentence unfinished.)
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