Category: Serialised

Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries210

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A geriatric, three legged tortoise with a Zimmer frame would have been faster.

It’s already late afternoon, and they have had nothing all day.

Except for two cups of revolting cold tea! And they were expensive!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
I’m hungry.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
You can’t be hungry! You’ve got a time machine!

FULLYCHARGED
(Reaching for HAYLEY’s lollipop, and whispering.)
I’ve finished mine.

HAYLEY
(Pushing his hand away, and whispering.)
You idiot, you’re supposed to suck it for fifteen minutes, not crunch it all up and eat it straight away!

SCENE 7
(The Market Square in Lancaster, and the island of Lancer Rodney have become one and the same for the purpose of some audience participation.)

BENET
(Selecting a sympathetic face from the crowd, somebody half familiar from a previous visit.)
I need some help from a grown up. You sir! What’s your name?

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries209

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Lancer, the jet black cat, sees what’s happening and is jealous. He races along the top of the dwarf stone wall outside the inn, and pounces on Rodney, just before NottaPenny has a chance to stroke him.

In a riot of hissing and clawing, the two cats run off, round the side of the inn, and disappear from sight …

… making a hideous noise …

(energetically imitating cat noises)

… nyaaa-owww-arrr-owww!

NYOWWW!

“Oh no!” says NottaPenny.

“The next time I see that black cat, I’m going to make sure the tabby is safe”.

“Hurry up, let’s check in,” says SimpleSimon, “I’m starving.”

He’s not starving.

He’s a fat, obnoxious git.

And NottaPenny is getting a bit fed up with him. SimpleSimon could probably live for a whole week without food. Although NottaPenny is hungry.

They had to get up at 02:00, spend four hours in an airport, four more hours cooped up inside a metal tube, and another four hours trying to get out of the airport and ride on a motor carriage, to reach the inn.

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries208

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AUNTSYLVIE
(Reaches over and places a firm hand on FULLYCHARGED’s shoulder. Says nothing.)

BENET
Lancer and Rodney were the two most important tomcats on the island, and they used to fight like cats and … er … cats.

(Gesturing towards FULLYCHARGED and HAYLEY.)

Just like these two here …

(HAYLEY displays her ‘innocent and disappointed’ face. BENET raises the index finger of his left hand just a little, staring directly at FULLYCHARGED, giving him a top quality Paddington Bear hard stare. FullyCharged shoves his half eaten time machine into his mouth and puffs out his cheeks.)

HAYLEY
(Whispering firmly, whilst suppressing anger.)
You’re so naughty! Now you’re getting me into trouble.

SCENE 6
(Arriving at the inn.)

BENET
The first thing that SimpleSimon and NottaPenny see when they arrive at the inn, is Rodney the cat. Lying in the sun, stretched out, completely relaxed, just inviting somebody to come over and stroke his tummy.

NottaPenny can’t resist the invitation.

A lovely tabby cat, just waiting to be stroked.

She walks over.

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries207

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Rodney. They check because nobody in this airport trusts any of the fire-breathing-dragons in the other airports.

Now riddle me this. Why is the island called Lancer Rodney?

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
Rodney was a soldier with a lance.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
Don’t be silly, it’s another made up name!

BENET
(Gesturing towards FULLYCHARGED.)
Yes, young man, speak up! They couldn’t hear you at the back!

FULLYCHARGED
(Loudly)
RODNEY WAS A SOLDIER WITH A LANCE.

(Hayley buries her face in her hands.)

BENET
Yes, absolutely right, Lancer was a cat!

And Rodney was a cat!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering, angrily. Poking HAYLEY in the ribs again.)
You made me say that.

HAYLEY
(Whispering, indignantly.)
I did no such thing!

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries206

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to strap them into their seats again because the metal tube was going down onto the ground soon.

SimpleSimon crossed his legs.

And crossed his fingers!

For almost the whole journey, he had to stay in his seat. That was more than four hours.

Can you sit still for four hours?

No, don’t answer that!

At least if you travel on a ship you can walk around a lot. And a ship has lots of toilets. And toilets that work!

SCENE 5
(An airport arrivals hall on the island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
The excitement of a holiday really begins when you get onto the ground in The Canneries.

Who can read Spanish? Who can run the fastest? Who can find a toilet first?

If you were a fast runner you’d get to the toilet before anybody else did, and then you could race towards the bureaucratic guardian of the territorial integrity.

All one of him. So there’s another queue! Another one hour of mandatory fun!

While one man checks that all the passengers from all the multiple airliners are all allowed to enter the Island of Lancer

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries205

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FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
And the numbers!

BENET
There was another long queue at the gate, although this one didn’t take one hour.

This one took 59 minutes.

It would have been quicker, but the man at the front didn’t have the right territorial integrity pass. He wasn’t allowed to board the airliner in spite of having no toothpaste and having a travel warrant in his rock steady right hand. After three hours in the airport he was told that he had to go home.

That’s how a holiday starts!

SCENE 4
(Inside an airliner.)

BENET
Inside the airliner a prison guard in a cheap uniform forcibly strapped SimpleSimon and NottaPenny into their chairs before the metal tube was allowed to leave the ground. After it was high enough the prison guard came back and demanded twenty four sovereigns … twenty four … in exchange for two cups of cold, weak tea.

And SimpleSimon and NottaPenny were not allowed to go to the toilet because the captain was turbulent!

When the captain stopped being turbulent there was a rush for the two toilets at the back. This metal tube had 180 passengers and only two toilets. And one of the toilets was broken. All the passengers got very angry, and the prison guards said they had

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries204

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Placing the travel warrant on top of the robot guardian, Miss ActiveVolcano recited the staff incantation, “you just have to hold it still,” and the robot reluctantly accepted it.

FULLYCHARGED
(Addressing HAYLEY in a whisper.)
I think it must have been the robot’s fault.

BENET
Then the mandatory fun continues! They stood in a different queue for another one hour, waiting for the scatter brained guardian of the forbidden belongings to look inside their bags. At least this guardian was a real human being.

And I’m using the word “human” in the widest possible sense of the word.

Actually, some of them were inhumane!

Mrs ScatterBrain checked NottaPenny’s bag … no problem.

When it was SimpleSimon’s turn Mr Inhumane ScatterBrain looked inside his bag and told him not to clean his teeth. He said it was forbidden, and then he stole the toothpaste saying that SimpleSimon must be obscenely rich to be carrying such an extravagantly large tube of toothpaste!

As SimpleSimon and NottaPenny arrive at gate number Eleventy Billion and One, they’re met by the gatekeeper, Mrs FireBreathingDragon.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
He’s making up these names!

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries203

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BENET
Good answer!

And we’ve hardly even started!

At an airport the mandatory fun begins with standing in a queue for one hour, to do something called a check in. When SimpleSimon eventually reached the front of the queue his travel warrant was not accepted by the robot guardian. He offered it three times.

NottaPenny recited the magic incantation, “oh get out of my way,” and the robot guardian accepted her travel warrant first time. SimpleSimon tried again, three more times, and thrice reciting the incantation, “why doesn’t this damn thing work?”

The robot guardian refused to allow another try, and instead electrically summoned Miss ActiveVolcano.

HAYLEY
(Addressing FULLYCHARGED in a whisper.)
That can’t be her real name!

BENET
Miss ActiveVolcano erupted from nowhere and frowned at SimpleSimon.

She snatched the travel warrant from his hand, and just in case the first frown wasn’t strong enough, she did it again, giving him a double plus frown and then saying something about the honesty of men.

Or was it …

“Honestly! Men!”

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries202

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HAYLEY
(Returning the favour, HAYLEY pokes FULLYCHARGED in the ribs, and she speaks to him in a whisper.)
Sounds just like you!

BENET
As soon as they went inside the terminal an electric voice came out of the ceiling:

“Welcome to Grab Stick airport, the Oh Four Twenty Five departure to Instant Bull is cancelled owing to the unavailability of metal tubes.”

What does that mean? You book a passage aboard an airliner, and the airport says they don’t have one?

Then another electric voice comes and says:

“Due to the French air traffic control strike, the Oh Nine Fifty Four departure for Jenny Fair will now terminate at Frank Fort where passengers will be met by the replacement stagecoach service.”

Air travel was a nightmare!

The merchants selling travel warrants would make all sorts of false promises, and regularly fail to deliver. Those merchants employed some really dodgy people to work in the airports and inside the airliners. Would you like to go to an airport at 02:00?

AUDIENCE
(Audible, but not loud, they collectively respond.)

No!

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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries201

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They didn’t trust each other to do their jobs properly, and so they always double checked, and triple checked, and quadruple checked your paperwork. Even the shopkeepers checked your paperwork before you were allowed to buy anything in an airport!

At the big airports there were eleventy billion doorways called gates.

You started by entering a big building called a terminal …

Sounds like a terminal illness to me … the end …

… . probably because it meant something like …

this is the end of your dreams …

… you are not going to enjoy this trip …

… oh no … not even one little bit!

SimpleSimon and NottaPenny had to go to Grab Stick airport 60 kilometres away from London, and they had to be there at 04:00.

That was silly o’clock, even back then, and at that time in the morning there were no trains! They had to wake up at 02:00, and pay a fortune to a motorised hackney cab driver to get them to the airport, so that they could arrive in time to commence battle with the guardians, all while SimpleSimon’s brain was still asleep!

NottaPenny used to say that actually, SimpleSimon’s brain was always asleep. She always had to show him how to do everything.

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