Chapter 27 Inventors Club221


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Chapter 27
Inventors Club

Despite being used on a regular basis, a fetid smell persists. It’s obvious that nobody ever bothers to clean the cells.

A small window high up on the northern wall, is fitted with solid iron bars. It has no glass. The rudimentary iron bedstead has no mattress, and instead it’s covered with just enough tatty, old carpet to dull the annoying wire lattice.

The sun never shines through the tiny window, but there’s enough light and warmth to keep the cell one notch above “totally depressing”.

This is the business end of the Asylum. A handful of prison cells inside a bigger prison. Conscripts can move about freely within the enormous, locked building unless, like MickeyWarr, they’re confined to a cell. Forty eight hours in solitary is the punishment for errant behaviour. It would have been fourteen days if they had known that MickeyWarr was trying to escape, but as far as they could see all he did was step out of line and try to talk to an officer.

Perhaps being in solitary confinement is good news? It certainly delayed the first tour of duty on either The Frumious Bandersnatch or The Whiffling Blackbird.

The highlight of the day in a prison cell is meal time. A momentary brief interaction with another human being, supplying another dish of slop. Cold slop!

The orderlies work the small cells last.

The door opens. A small enamel bowl enters first, followed by a hand, followed by an orderly wearing a long, hooded cape. The orderly lifts the hood and they stare at each other in amazement. Wisely, they both remain silent.

MickeyWarr is totally gobsmacked. He can’t work out how Slender managed to do this. Slender is astonished, because she’s staring at a dirty man in a dirty prison cell!

“We have only one minute,” she whispers in the lowest conceivable whisper, “I’ve brought you some stew. DeepSigh,


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries219


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Marcus and Julia are wondering if they should put something in the hat this time, they look across to their parents Honey and Tigger.

Honey nods.

Marcus walks over to Benet and empties the entire contents of his purse into the hat. About one sovereign fifty. Magnum Opus cannot buy publicity this good!

“Thank you Marcus,” says Benet, “you were a star today!”

He responds, “no, I think you were the star!”

All of Benet’s stories are delivered well. Although today has been an exceptionally good day for him. He can pay his dues to Franklin and TomBaker, and what’s left will keep him going for quite a while.

Next Friday he might be in Ulverston, or Ormskirk, or Skipton, but nobody knows. But he will be back in Lancaster again soon.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries218


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(Dramatically.)
When they got back to London, she dumped him.

And got a cat!

(Calmly.)
And that was the true, true story of The Canneries.

Do you think this one was true?

AUDIENCE
(Jackanory Square reverberates with a resounding and unequivocal response.)

No!

BENET
(In a mix of humour and belligerence.)
This one was completely true!

—o—

Benet receives a magnificent round of applause, the children are bouncing about with joy, they know that when Benet says it’s “completely true” it almost certainly isn’t! It’s only when he says it’s “definitely true” that they need to think about it!

Around the Market Square people are making a bee line for Benet’s hat.

As the tips flood in, TomBaker and Rory are also on their feet at the front, helping Benet with extra hats. In part, the parents are paying the story teller a bit extra for entertaining their children so well, and in part, it’s because they themselves were highly amused.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries217


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BENET
(Making direct eye contact with HAYLEY, and smiling.)
NottaPenny glared at SimpleSimon and said, “how horrid! You are so naïve! You don’t know anything about cats!”

(Making direct eye contact with AUNTSYLVIE, and smiling.)
NottaPenny threatened to separate from SimpleSimon immediately.

(Returning his gaze to the AUDIENCE in general.)
But she couldn’t do that now … not on the island of Lancer Rodney.

SCENE 10
(The journey home.)

BENET
They had to travel back together on the same airliner!

(Making eye contact with FULLYCHARGED and HAYLEY.)
And they had to sit next to each other!

(Returning his gaze to the AUDIENCE in general.)
The metal tube was jam packed solid. There were no spare seats. There wasn’t enough space to swing a cat!

Actually, there was enough space to swing a cat.

If you stood in the aisle, between the seats, you could just about swing a small cat.

Which was fine.

If it was your intention to clobber ten other passengers in the face with an irate cat!


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries216


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“I can carry him.”

(Pausing, and looking at the audience.)

Do you know the best way to carry a cat … when you don’t have a cat basket?

AUDIENCE
(Staring. Uncertain how to respond.)

BENET
(Holding out his right arm, in a straight line, parallel with the ground. Fist clenched, but not punching anything.)
SimpleSimon says you have to carry it by its tail!

“Oh you brute,” said NottaPenny, “ how could you say such a thing?”

HAYLEY
(Glaring at FULLYCHARGED and whispering a bit too loud.)
That’s exactly the sort of thing you would do! How horrid!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering a bit too loud.)
What’s the problem?

HAYLEY
(Still glaring, and still whispering a bit too loud.)
You are so naïve! You don’t know anything about cats!

AUNTSYLVIE
(Using a clearly audible whisper.)
I’m going to separate you two if you misbehave one more time.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries215


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HAYLEY
(Glares at FULLYCHARGED. Says nothing)

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
What are you looking at me like that for?

SCENE 9
(The final day on the island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
On the final day of their holiday they came back to the inn early, so that they could sleep, so that they could get up in the middle of the night and start another journey at 02:00.

Late on that final afternoon, the sun was bright, and there was a smell of barbequed chicken everywhere. As they approached the inn, Lancer darted past them … carrying a chicken drumstick.

Why so fast?

What was he doing?

Where did he get that food?

Right outside the inn, on the dwarf stone wall was Rodney … licking a wounded leg.

“Oh no, look at him,” said NottaPenny, “he’s been injured!

She strokes Rodney … repeatedly.

“It’s not safe out here, we should take him inside.”

“Don’t be such a muppet! We don’t have a cat basket!”


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries214


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(Delivered at a fast pace, consistent with clarity.)

• go swimming;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat;
• relax on the beach;
• go sailing;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat again;
• relax on the beach;
• go pony trekking in the hills and stroke a cat;
• then relax on the beach again;
• visit the local markets;
• stroke another cat;
• buy some new clothes;
• stroke a different cat;
• then relax on the NottaBeach next to the market …
• … and stroke a different different cat!

(Normal pace resumes.)
So, what did SimpleSimon want?

• Cheap ale!

Every night he went out to an alehouse, came back to the inn very late, and slept for most of the following day.
NottaPenny was so angry.

Well she would be, wouldn’t she, wouldn’t you be angry?

AUDIENCE
(Lots of nodding. Murmuring. The leading question receives an unambiguous affirmative response.)


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries213


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BENET
(Sarcastic, fake, astonished voice.)
A bargain sir … you should charge more!

In Lancer Rodney, NottaPenny spent five sovereigns on one glass of wine. One!

AUDIENCE
(Gasps.)

BENET
That was at the cheapest tavern in town.

AUDIENCE
(More gasps.)

BENET
(Again, gesturing towards MARCUS.)
Double that if you go to a posh tavern.

Or halve it again, if you know Marcus the boss!

SCENE 8
(The island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
(Scanning audience members.)
So what did SimpleSimon and NottaPenny do for one week during their stay in Lancer Rodney?

(Allowing a very brief discussion, and ignoring all of it.)

NottaPenny wanted to:


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries212


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Everybody … think back four hundred years … how much do you think a meal for two would have cost SimpleSimon and NottaPenny?

AUDIENCE
(Distinct murmuring. However, nobody is volunteering an answer.)

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
About twenty pennies?

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
Don’t be so stupid, they had old money in those days!

BENET
One hundred sovereigns!

A meal for two with two drinks … one hundred sovereigns!

In the cheap places!

Double that if you go to a posh place like this one.

(All the locals know that Magnum Opus is the best and the most expensive place in town.)

Marcus, how much is a nice glass of wine in your fine establishment?

MARCUS
(Once again, honesty is the best policy. MARCUS responds confidently.)
Twenty two pennies.


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Chapter 26 The Almost True True Story of The Canneries211


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BYSTANDER
Marcus.

BENET
Correct answer!

Marcus, how much money do you have in your purse right now?

MARCUS
(Initially hesitant, but having seen BENET before, MARCUS is willing to join in. He knows that it’s always worth telling the truth. Firstly, nobody wants to destroy BENET’s humorous tale, and secondly, it might backfire on MARCUS if he tells any fibs.)

About one sovereign fifty.

BENET
My word sir! You are rich!

Well now … where was I … food!

If Mr Marcus took Mrs Marcus out for a meal … he would be prepared to spend the entire contents of his purse, about one sovereign fifty, on a meal for two.

(JULIA and MARCUS look at each other in amusement. The locals all know that they’re brother and sister.)

Now I know, that’s a lot of money … and he might not want to spend that much … but it wouldn’t be a life threatening disaster if Mr and Mrs Marcus spent all that money on one lovely meal.


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