Month: July 2026

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BENET
(Making direct eye contact with HAYLEY, and smiling.)
NottaPenny glared at SimpleSimon and said, “how horrid! You are so naïve! You don’t know anything about cats!”

(Making direct eye contact with AUNTSYLVIE, and smiling.)
NottaPenny threatened to separate from SimpleSimon immediately.

(Returning his gaze to the AUDIENCE in general.)
But she couldn’t do that now … not on the island of Lancer Rodney.

SCENE 10
(The journey home.)

BENET
They had to travel back together on the same airliner!

(Making eye contact with FULLYCHARGED and HAYLEY.)
And they had to sit next to each other!

(Returning his gaze to the AUDIENCE in general.)
The metal tube was jam packed solid. There were no spare seats. There wasn’t enough space to swing a cat!

Actually, there was enough space to swing a cat.

If you stood in the aisle, between the seats, you could just about swing a small cat.

Which was fine.

If it was your intention to clobber ten other passengers in the face with an irate cat!

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“I can carry him.”

(Pausing, and looking at the audience.)

Do you know the best way to carry a cat … when you don’t have a cat basket?

AUDIENCE
(Staring. Uncertain how to respond.)

BENET
(Holding out his right arm, in a straight line, parallel with the ground. Fist clenched, but not punching anything.)
SimpleSimon says you have to carry it by its tail!

“Oh you brute,” said NottaPenny, “ how could you say such a thing?”

HAYLEY
(Glaring at FULLYCHARGED and whispering a bit too loud.)
That’s exactly the sort of thing you would do! How horrid!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering a bit too loud.)
What’s the problem?

HAYLEY
(Still glaring, and still whispering a bit too loud.)
You are so naïve! You don’t know anything about cats!

AUNTSYLVIE
(Using a clearly audible whisper.)
I’m going to separate you two if you misbehave one more time.

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HAYLEY
(Glares at FULLYCHARGED. Says nothing)

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
What are you looking at me like that for?

SCENE 9
(The final day on the island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
On the final day of their holiday they came back to the inn early, so that they could sleep, so that they could get up in the middle of the night and start another journey at 02:00.

Late on that final afternoon, the sun was bright, and there was a smell of barbequed chicken everywhere. As they approached the inn, Lancer darted past them … carrying a chicken drumstick.

Why so fast?

What was he doing?

Where did he get that food?

Right outside the inn, on the dwarf stone wall was Rodney … licking a wounded leg.

“Oh no, look at him,” said NottaPenny, “he’s been injured!

She strokes Rodney … repeatedly.

“It’s not safe out here, we should take him inside.”

“Don’t be such a muppet! We don’t have a cat basket!”

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(Delivered at a fast pace, consistent with clarity.)

• go swimming;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat;
• relax on the beach;
• go sailing;
• relax on the beach;
• stroke a cat again;
• relax on the beach;
• go pony trekking in the hills and stroke a cat;
• then relax on the beach again;
• visit the local markets;
• stroke another cat;
• buy some new clothes;
• stroke a different cat;
• then relax on the NottaBeach next to the market …
• … and stroke a different different cat!

(Normal pace resumes.)
So, what did SimpleSimon want?

• Cheap ale!

Every night he went out to an alehouse, came back to the inn very late, and slept for most of the following day.
NottaPenny was so angry.

Well she would be, wouldn’t she, wouldn’t you be angry?

AUDIENCE
(Lots of nodding. Murmuring. The leading question receives an unambiguous affirmative response.)

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BENET
(Sarcastic, fake, astonished voice.)
A bargain sir … you should charge more!

In Lancer Rodney, NottaPenny spent five sovereigns on one glass of wine. One!

AUDIENCE
(Gasps.)

BENET
That was at the cheapest tavern in town.

AUDIENCE
(More gasps.)

BENET
(Again, gesturing towards MARCUS.)
Double that if you go to a posh tavern.

Or halve it again, if you know Marcus the boss!

SCENE 8
(The island of Lancer Rodney.)

BENET
(Scanning audience members.)
So what did SimpleSimon and NottaPenny do for one week during their stay in Lancer Rodney?

(Allowing a very brief discussion, and ignoring all of it.)

NottaPenny wanted to:

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Everybody … think back four hundred years … how much do you think a meal for two would have cost SimpleSimon and NottaPenny?

AUDIENCE
(Distinct murmuring. However, nobody is volunteering an answer.)

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
About twenty pennies?

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
Don’t be so stupid, they had old money in those days!

BENET
One hundred sovereigns!

A meal for two with two drinks … one hundred sovereigns!

In the cheap places!

Double that if you go to a posh place like this one.

(All the locals know that Magnum Opus is the best and the most expensive place in town.)

Marcus, how much is a nice glass of wine in your fine establishment?

MARCUS
(Once again, honesty is the best policy. MARCUS responds confidently.)
Twenty two pennies.

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BYSTANDER
Marcus.

BENET
Correct answer!

Marcus, how much money do you have in your purse right now?

MARCUS
(Initially hesitant, but having seen BENET before, MARCUS is willing to join in. He knows that it’s always worth telling the truth. Firstly, nobody wants to destroy BENET’s humorous tale, and secondly, it might backfire on MARCUS if he tells any fibs.)

About one sovereign fifty.

BENET
My word sir! You are rich!

Well now … where was I … food!

If Mr Marcus took Mrs Marcus out for a meal … he would be prepared to spend the entire contents of his purse, about one sovereign fifty, on a meal for two.

(JULIA and MARCUS look at each other in amusement. The locals all know that they’re brother and sister.)

Now I know, that’s a lot of money … and he might not want to spend that much … but it wouldn’t be a life threatening disaster if Mr and Mrs Marcus spent all that money on one lovely meal.

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A geriatric, three legged tortoise with a Zimmer frame would have been faster.

It’s already late afternoon, and they have had nothing all day.

Except for two cups of revolting cold tea! And they were expensive!

FULLYCHARGED
(Whispering.)
I’m hungry.

HAYLEY
(Whispering.)
You can’t be hungry! You’ve got a time machine!

FULLYCHARGED
(Reaching for HAYLEY’s lollipop, and whispering.)
I’ve finished mine.

HAYLEY
(Pushing his hand away, and whispering.)
You idiot, you’re supposed to suck it for fifteen minutes, not crunch it all up and eat it straight away!

SCENE 7
(The Market Square in Lancaster, and the island of Lancer Rodney have become one and the same for the purpose of some audience participation.)

BENET
(Selecting a sympathetic face from the crowd, somebody half familiar from a previous visit.)
I need some help from a grown up. You sir! What’s your name?

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Lancer, the jet black cat, sees what’s happening and is jealous. He races along the top of the dwarf stone wall outside the inn, and pounces on Rodney, just before NottaPenny has a chance to stroke him.

In a riot of hissing and clawing, the two cats run off, round the side of the inn, and disappear from sight …

… making a hideous noise …

(energetically imitating cat noises)

… nyaaa-owww-arrr-owww!

NYOWWW!

“Oh no!” says NottaPenny.

“The next time I see that black cat, I’m going to make sure the tabby is safe”.

“Hurry up, let’s check in,” says SimpleSimon, “I’m starving.”

He’s not starving.

He’s a fat, obnoxious git.

And NottaPenny is getting a bit fed up with him. SimpleSimon could probably live for a whole week without food. Although NottaPenny is hungry.

They had to get up at 02:00, spend four hours in an airport, four more hours cooped up inside a metal tube, and another four hours trying to get out of the airport and ride on a motor carriage, to reach the inn.

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AUNTSYLVIE
(Reaches over and places a firm hand on FULLYCHARGED’s shoulder. Says nothing.)

BENET
Lancer and Rodney were the two most important tomcats on the island, and they used to fight like cats and … er … cats.

(Gesturing towards FULLYCHARGED and HAYLEY.)

Just like these two here …

(HAYLEY displays her ‘innocent and disappointed’ face. BENET raises the index finger of his left hand just a little, staring directly at FULLYCHARGED, giving him a top quality Paddington Bear hard stare. FullyCharged shoves his half eaten time machine into his mouth and puffs out his cheeks.)

HAYLEY
(Whispering firmly, whilst suppressing anger.)
You’re so naughty! Now you’re getting me into trouble.

SCENE 6
(Arriving at the inn.)

BENET
The first thing that SimpleSimon and NottaPenny see when they arrive at the inn, is Rodney the cat. Lying in the sun, stretched out, completely relaxed, just inviting somebody to come over and stroke his tummy.

NottaPenny can’t resist the invitation.

A lovely tabby cat, just waiting to be stroked.

She walks over.

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