Tag: book1

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How she wishes that her mum and dad could have been here to see this. She cries a little. The ElderWolf holds her gently and consoles her, as AuntSylvie quickly makes her way onto the stage to comfort her.

The bathtub regatta has been a military tradition for as long as anybody can remember. The merchant navy does it too, but the flotation ceremonies for the new, big warships attract more attention and attract more bathtubs!

AuntSylvie stays with Hayley whilst a number of people seek to congratulate her on her professional conduct. Though right now she’s feeling quite emotional. Her father was a doctor, Commander Wilde, a member of the Garrison. However, as the ship’s surgeon on The Regal Shield he was not a combatant.

When The Regal Shield was lost at sea two years ago, none of the crew survived.

Although The Vorpal Sword can be launched today, there can be no replacement for Commander Wilde. AuntSylvie spirits Hayley away. When the need arises the Noble Coliseum can be a welcome place of sanctuary.

—o—

            “You know, there was a time when all you needed was to be a strong man, on a strong horse, and have a strong sword,” says HayWire, “you know what happened to them?”

MaxChaos listens intently.

“Somebody invented gunpowder! And then cannons. It didn’t matter how strong you were. Or your sword, or your horse! You were no match for cannon balls. What we need now is another paradigm shift. Something as significant as gunpowder.”

“What I need now,” says MaxChaos, “is something like a long bow, but smaller, and well suited to use on a ship when I’m fighting pirates!”

“That’s easy,” says HayWire, “Genghis Khan solved that problem! What I’m interested in is building something so

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waving as they jump up and down. Everyone is totally absorbed by this colourful festival of hilarity.

Given that there is a distressingly trivial first prize at stake, the rowers in the leading bathtubs seem unduly determined to win!

“What’s that?” says OpenMike, “a secret weapon?”

Each of the bananas has pulled out a ripe banana from the top pocket of their denim dungarees, waved them in the air for all to see, and now they’re eating them!

“A sugar boost! Is that allowed?”

“Fowl Vengeance” is still ahead, but “Despicable Kevin” is gaining on them in the final 50 metres. The crowd is going wild. NutJob is doing his nut and KristalClear is almost hoarse with all that shouting! Urged on by young Hayley, the ElderWolf has now entered fully into the spirit of the event, though with all the noise nobody can hear a word either of them is saying, nor work out who they’re actually supporting!

“Despicable Kevin or Fowl Vengeance, who crossed the line first?” asks OpenMike.

A short discussion ensues among the judges. Hayley’s not sure who won. Nor is she sure which team she actually wanted to win. The bathtubs were glorious, the fancy dress costumes inspired, the antics adorable, and she loved them all.

When asked, the ElderWolf explains that her own personal preference doesn’t matter, she has to be impartial. Being the model of a perfect leader, the ElderWolf agrees that it was a tie.

Wisely, extra laurel wreaths have been laid on just in case. OpenMike announces the winning entries, and the four sailors climb the stairs onto the dais. The Stump from Jackanory Square was brought to the quayside earlier this morning. It now takes centre stage with Hayley standing proudly on top of it.

Each sailor receives their prize. Hayley places a laurel wreath on their heads and hands each of them a small cup cake which Franklin had baked earlier in the day. Hayley receives a friendly, sincere hug from each sailor in turn.

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quayside OpenMike has heard the hammer whack the gong, and he encourages the crowd to start the countdown.

“Five, four, three, two, one.”

The shipborne cannon fires.

One man and his dog (one man with a fake bald head and a stupid, old fashioned, sleeveless, green sweater, alongside his khaki coloured “dog” with preposterously big, floppy brown ears and a massive, fake black nose) furiously paddle their bathtub “Fowl Vengeance” into an early lead.

It’s clear that the Gatchaman Super Hero lookalikes, paddling “The Jubjub Tub” are in second place, followed closely by two puffins doing their best to make “The Puffin” bathtub move as fast as its namesake The Puffin ferry.

This is the craziest sight anyone has ever seen in Lancaster harbour! The crowd on the quayside are cheering so loudly that nobody can hear what OpenMike is saying. It’s the same aboard The Vorpal Sword with everybody, MaxChaos included, cheering on their favourites.

By the halfway stage the two Vikings in “The Do Drop Inn” do drop in to the sea, and the suspicion is that the sharks in “The Hammerhead” may have had something to do with that.

The Super Heroes’ “Jubjub Tub” is putting in a heroic effort, but it seems to be taking on water. They’ve slowed down, and that’s allowed the “The Puffin” to overtake them. Amazingly the bananas piloting “Despicable Kevin” are gaining on the two leading vessels.

The puffins are now puffing and panting as their muscles tire, and their bathtub is definitely slowing down. “Fowl Vengeance” still looks like it’s going to take first place, and at this hotly contested stage of the race there now appears to be only two teams in contention. The banana pair, and one man and his “dog”.

MaxChaos and OpenMike are valiantly trying to turn up the volume, but they can’t be heard above the crowds. The onlookers are shouting at the tops of their voices, and furiously

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Chapter 18
The Bathtub Regatta

“Despicable Kevin” is an old tin bath, which has been painted yellow inside and out, and has been reinforced with what looks like blue wooden pallets strapped all around it. Sat inside are two bizarrely dressed sailors who look like bananas wearing dungarees and ridiculous over sized goggles.

Next to them are two men dressed as Vikings, sitting in a wooden bathtub with the name “The Do Drop Inn” plastered along the side. The Vikings seem to be more interested in the fake ale in their exceedingly comic and massive tankards than in paddling “The Do Drop Inn” to the shore.

On the far side of the Vikings are two sharks sitting in another bathtub emblazoned with the name “The Hammerhead”!

This can mean only one thing. The flotation ceremony for a new ship is already under way, and now it’s time for the fun stuff, the bathtub regatta!

Hayley Wilde is so excited. She hasn’t seen a bathtub regatta since she was six years old. Back when her mum was alive. She’s eight now, and she’s the guest of honour, sitting high up in the official suite nestled amongst the judges.

Selected from hundreds of entrants, she won “Best Overall” in the schools’ writing challenge for a story that had few rules, but had to be entitled “What does the future hold?”

Hayley will be awarding the prizes at the end of today’s race.

Aboard the freshly completed ship The Vorpal Sword, anchored 200 metres offshore, MaxChaos is standing atop the dais and is about to strike the dinner gong. The Vorpal Sword is the latest addition to the Garrison’s fleet, a mighty, well equipped vessel, but for today it has only one fo’c’sle cannon at the ready. Loaded with a dummy charge, it will signal the start of the race.

Ten amusingly decorated bathtubs, each crewed by two people in fancy dress, are now under starter’s orders. On the

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“No! Not wolves!”

Not wanting to antagonise Mrs Massive Ugly Tree Woman again, nor risk being bitten by her mongrel squizzel wolves, Benet steps sideways. Promptly falls into a damp patch of mud. And instantly falls asleep.

After all, he is used to rough sleeping!

(Giggles lightly.)

SCENE 3

(AuntSylvie’s office.)

FRANKLIN

Now, I wonder if one day I should take The Stump in Jackanory Square? And tell this extraordinary story?

AUNTSYLVIE

Perhaps a tale about an ageing, drunk hobo, and a wild, wolf infested, timber enchantress, is not the sort of story you should tell when there are small children about?

(They smile, knowingly.)

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Benet recognises the disapproving sideways look and knows precisely what it means.

Without being asked anything, he continues, “no I snot been drinking, why dew ask?”

We all know Benet! Walker knows Benet! He’s friendly and he’s well liked. He has a good reputation, and the last thing you’d want to do is create any friction. Alliances are better than conflicts after all.

Walker says, “you must be tired?”

“Yes, I’m tyred, I just need a lickle nap and I’ll be wine.”

As Benet turns to walk away he walks head on, straight into the trunk of an enormous tree! Bashes his nose on the rough bark and says, “sorry madam, I didn’t see you there” as he recognises that his path is currently blocked by a chunky, twenty metre tall woman with six arms and a sprawling, ugly, green hair do.

Benet stops and stares. He notices that the woman has now grown a seventh arm, with two squirrels running along it, scampering about playfully.

“Honestly,” thinks Benet, “what sort of person takes their pet squizzels for a walk in the woods without putting them on a weed?”

Right in front of his eyes, the squizzels seemed to be shape shifting. Were they now Dachshunds? No, relax, just Poodles!

“No, no, little pygmy Rottweilers!”

“Arghh, baby wolves!”

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For medicinal purposes obviously!

And then try a little more, you know, just to make sure that the first bit wasn’t a fluke!

This is a rare treat for Benet. He’d never be able to afford a whole bottle of rum.

After drinking half a bottle he doesn’t seem to be able to stop. But somebody approaches. Benet doesn’t want to share his find, so he puts the stopper back in and hastily hides the bottle in his knapsack.

Calmly, the visitor approaches. Presumably it’s time for their daily walk in the woods. That’s quite normal. And Benet thinks “just be normal … act normally”. He didn’t steal anything, he just found the treasure abandoned inside a tree, that’s all.

(Adding more character to the voice, mimicking Benet’s style of delivery.)

However, Benet’s head is far from normal at the moment. Any wisdom that he might usually possess seems to have deserted him. He stands up, a little unstable on his feet, and smiles inanely. The sort of stupid smile that a drunk puts on when they’re trying vainly to demonstrate that they’re not drunk.

And he says, “good unstubble consternoon!”

He pauses and thinks, “what did I just say?” quickly followed by, “I’m sure it was OK!”

Constable Walker looks at him with a suspicious, half sideways look. The sort of look that your mum gives you when she knows you haven’t actually cleaned your teeth this morning.

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Wisely, Walker is keeping her distance. There are far too many of them for just her and Sergeant HoneyBucket to intervene.

(Picking up a tea cup)

It all seems to be a storm in a tea cup. But judging by the noise you’d think that The George Tavern had just sold the last bag of pork scratchings, and wouldn’t have any more for a month!

Sergeant HoneyBucket points out that nobody seems to have been injured, but a crate with twelve bottles of rum has just mysteriously vanished from the dockside. “You buffoon Walker,” he says, “you were too busy watching the impromptu wrestling match, when the real mischief was right behind us!”

Of course, Walker is a little offended. Wasn’t HoneyBucket also distracted? He seems to be full of something today, and it’s not honey!

They never found out who did it, and they never found the missing rum. The thieves probably drank some, some more of it probably ended up on the black market. And some of it may have been hidden away for later.

SCENE 2

(Williamson Park on the south eastern edge of the city.)

FRANKLIN

(Gentle, calm voice, unrushed. Adopting a slightly slurred, intoxicated manner.)

That explains how, one day, Benet came to find a bottle of rum wrapped in an old cloth, and stuffed inside a hollow oak tree in Williamson Park.

(Using hand gestures to indicate drinking from a bottle.)

Naturally, Benet had to sample a little.

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throwing money into his hat so that they can spend fifteen minutes sucking on some rock hard sugar. A time machine lasts for around fifteen minutes.

That keeps everybody focussed, sat quietly, listening, while Benet tells his perfectly timed, fifteen minute, almost true true story.

— o —

            Sitting in a comfy chair in AuntSylvie’s office in the Noble Coliseum, Franklin is chatting about Benet. Having known him for a long time, it will be no surprise to learn that Franklin also has a story to tell.

This one is about Benet.

And this one is completely true!

—o—

The Story of Benet and the Hidden Treasure

SCENE 1

(The commercial docks on St George’s Quay. Some boisterous dockers are larking about.)

FRANKLIN

(Gentle, calm voice, unrushed, hint of drama and suspense. Using hand gestures to emphasise the actions.)

Imagine one of those days, down at the docks when some of the wicked ruffians are causing a heinous commotion. Constable Walker is looking on, but there’s no obvious cause.

One rascal is piling on top of another for no apparent reason. They’re hurling wild, profane language about. The sort of words that we never learned in school. Punches are being thrown, hair is being pulled, and people are being dragged around by their shirt tails.

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Loaded with a bundle of clean white paper, Benet goes off to see TomBaker to order some time machines.

Sitting in the back yard with TomBaker and his son Rory the paper is cut into small strips and rolled up tightly to make lollipop sticks. Treated with a light smear of flour paste, the sticks are put into an oven for a short time, then left out to harden. Meanwhile, TomBaker and Rory go looking for whatever flavourings are abundant this week, stuff left over from earlier batches of pastries or cakes or whatever. A big bucket of pulped residue from fresh oranges, or lemons, is a common ingredient. And sugar. Time machines need a lot of sugar!

To make a time machine, they boil the sugar and the flavouring until it becomes an unwieldy mass of sticky, messy goo. Using metal sweet moulds which look like ice cube trays, the gloop is spread out evenly! A lollipop stick is pushed into the centre of each blob, and several trays are put into the oven. When the goo is baked rock hard the lollipops end up looking like a weird sort of Tardis!

Time machines are exactly what the kids want. They can only be found in “Jackanory Square”, and the Market Square is renamed “Jackanory Square” only on days when Benet is in town.

Kids bring two pennies with them on a Friday and they can have one. And just one per person mind! They mustn’t spoil their appetites, and nobody wants angry parents scolding story tellers for giving their children bad teeth!

As soon as they’re old enough to do simple sums, the kids learn the routine, they save their pocket money, or badger their parents for more. They want to be sure to get a time machine on Friday!

It’s an ingenious plan!

“Get them while they’re young,” says Benet, “keep them coming back time and time again, make it a tradition!”

Benet sells the time machines just as story time is about to start. If he gets it right, he makes an enormous amount of money. There are usually hordes of small people literally

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