Month: September 2026

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out a young, slim girl with long flowing hair. HopAlong didn’t know that she would have a companion.

“This is my boyfriend, NutJob,” she explains.

That brings a look of surprise from HopAlong.

“NutJob?”

“Just call him Dave, that’s his real name, he can explain his nickname later, it’s a long story!”

“Delighted to meet you … Dave! Call me HopAlong, everybody does. Gammy leg you see. That’s also a long story!”

The waitress brings some more tea. The tray has an elegant China teapot, with matching cups, all of which are tastefully decorated with an eye catching picture of the Ulverston fire breathing wolf.

“We long ago retired from mainstream farming,” says EarlyBird, “and over the past five years we’ve been trying to generate an income from raising llamas.”

HopAlong chips in, “selling their wool.”

“It’s a delightfully soft and warm wool,” says EarlyBird, “which gives clothes an enviable, luxurious feel.”

“But it’s a costly business,” says HopAlong, “with the price we needed to sell the wool at, the clothes just ended up being too expensive, and the whole thing is just not viable.”

EarlyBird continues, “llamas are delightfully affectionate creatures, they’re curious, and they love human interaction.”

“But ours could be a bit mischievous and temperamental!”

“Anyway, the llama farm has ceased.”

“Now, I keep a few chickens and two goats, HopAlong has a vegetable garden, and we’ve been thinking about using our smallholding to run a stable or something similar. Nothing too demanding though!”

“His tedious leg injury and my old age, mean that we don’t want to manage fields. No crops, no herds of animals, just something simple that we can operate in an old converted llama compound. Maybe horses?”

“Employing a farmhand or two,” adds HopAlong, “I’m not doing it all myself!”

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thirty passengers on an open deck. The shallow hold beneath the deck is big enough for a few sacks of mail, and a little light cargo. Newspapers for example!

Visually striking, it has a soft, gently ruffled magnolia band sitting above the waterline, topped with a narrower band of moody space grey which rises to the caprail. It’s a colour scheme which resembles a puffin. As the ferry crests and dips among the waves, the colourfully decorated bow, with interspersed chevrons of bright orange, dark grey, and soft yellow, appears to repeatedly peck at fish in the water.

Children are thrilled watching The Puffin come and go. One day, they hope that the bow will rise carrying a small brace of sardines. Just like the beak of a real puffin!

Slowly, cruising past the tiny barracks of the combined Constabulary and Garrison, and the stables with only six horses, The Puffin edges towards the far corner of the docks where SeaBird Logistics is based.

On their way back from their Saturday afternoon fishing trips, three or four pretty blue and white boats are berthing already. The boats’ bells sound from time to time, their crews bellow instructions to the dockhands, and the noisy, airborne mafia of seagulls anxiously circles awaiting an opportunity to seize some illicit dinner.

A smell of salty sea air mixes with the aroma of damp rope, wet sackcloth, and a hint of horse dung as KristalClear and NutJob cautiously pick their way through the dockside melee of impatient traders, dilapidated hand carts, Shire horses and heavy duty wagons.

The bustling activity of the docks gives way to the calm and friendly flurry of people going about their business in this pleasant market town. Passing beneath the archway on The Highway, KristalClear is leading NutJob to the prearranged meeting at the Dandy Highwayman Café.

EarlyBird made sure that she had arrived early, and settled down with HopAlong at a table next to the window. Occasionally watching the street, they’ve been trying to pick

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That was more than forty years ago, before Jason Grant had been injured and renamed HopAlong. And before he and Jess were married. She’s always been called EarlyBird, because she has hyperthymia and can get by on just six hours sleep a night. Nowadays the couple rarely comes into town, but when they do, HopAlong and EarlyBird always have a break at the same old Dandy Highwayman Café, and they share a nostalgic moment admiring the coat of arms*. The familiar, historic shield stands two metres high and is topped with the helmet of a black knight, surrounded by oak leaves. But the wolf right at the top seems to be larger and more real than before.

Its three red roses represent Lancashire, the town having been in that county long before Wolfland ever existed. The black wolf wears a leather collar and holds a golden sheaf of wheat, representing the tanning industries and the agricultural markets. A gold shield, with a red strike of lighting, and a cross, hang from a chain below the collar. They signify the area’s engineering heritage, electrical industries, and the early Egyptian Ankh cross represents medicine.

Most impressive is the wolf’s majestic head, breathing fire. The flames signifying the importance of iron smelting to the local economy. The crest bears the motto Optimum Sufficit and above that, instead of Ulverston, the town’s old English name Wulf-heres-tun is picked out in raised brickwork.

Even today, Juniper Henlow likes to point out that Optimum Sufficit means “only the best will do” and that she lived up to the motto when commissioning the new stone arch and the crests!

The bustle of the Pepper Pot Docks has brought new life to the revitalised town of Ulverston. It also brings The Lancastrian to the area every Friday night, and serves as the local distribution hub to get the paper to readers further inland. The ferries run twice a day, but not on Sundays.

It’s not especially big, but it certainly stands out! The Puffin is an extraordinary ferry with two masts and space for about

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Chapter 31
The Dandy Highwayman Café

Ulverston is a charming, honest, little town right at the southern tip of the Lake District, a little nearer to the sea than it once used to be!

When the ancient railway bridges fell into disrepair, and finally collapsed, the canal was reinvigorated and extended to the foot of Hoad Hill. The area developed gradually and organically, becoming an increasingly more important part of the town. In the shadow of the ruins of the old Sir John Barrow Monument the locals took to calling the new Ford Park Docks informally by another name, the Pepper Pot Docks. As far as they were concerned the new Pepper Pot Docks simply had to be named in honour of the old tower.

By 2400AD one canal was no longer enough, so the Chamber had a second one added. Inbound traffic on Salt, and outbound on Pepper! The redevelopment was completed in less than five years but it took another five years before the town’s Chamber agreed that the name the Pepper Pot Docks was so ubiquitous that a relaunch and an official opening was called for.

An impressive, new stone archway was constructed to mark the event. Two massive new crests were prepared in cast iron, to be placed at the apex on each side. Spanning The Highway, the plaques were designed to be unmissable by anyone travelling in either direction between the docks and the town centre.

At the renaming ceremony the mayor proudly unveiled the town’s crest. Justifiably she said, “it gives me the greatest of pleasure to unveil the Ulverston Wolf!” And then Her Worship, Mayor Juniper Henlow delivered a slightly pompous speech about civic dignity, moral duties and Roman Roads of all things! Ending with a what seemed like a history lesson comparing and contrasting Roman Roads and canals, and their combined impact on the reshaping of society!

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“And I’ve never been there before, it’ll be the first time for me!” says NutJob.

“When was the last time you did something for the first time?” says MaxChaos.

“Exactly,” says NutJob, “you do not have to do something new every day. You do not have to do something big. But check in with yourself once every week. If there was nothing new last week, then plan something new for next week.”

As usual KristalClear has the last word, though this time it’s more for HayWire’s benefit than anybody else’s.

“And if you get to two weeks, or three weeks, or even four weeks without an answer, then you must force yourself to try and do something new, even something small and simple, so that you’ll have an answer for yourself the week after that!”

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They look at him, puzzled.

“Wake up guys! Today! You did something new today! You both did skits on that stage! That was brilliant.”

“CandiCrush does Crown Green Bowls,” says KristalClear.

Not having seen her approach, NutJob says, “darling, I was looking for you.”

She takes hold of his hand, “and I was looking for you too!”

“I do Archery sometimes,” says MaxChaos, “helping Mr Rafone with the Sunday League.”

KristalClear adds, “And Mr Rafone and AuntSylvie run a Scrabble Club here.

KristalClear has guessed the general nature of the conversation, and recognises the precise message that NutJob wants to deliver. Her mum had told her about Open Doors, and she had told him, and now he’s passing it forward.

“This is the Open Doors chat isn’t it?” she says.

“You have to open doors,” says NutJob, “to doors that open, to more doors that open, even if you don’t know what’s behind them. Use the mindset ‘go out and do some good in the world’ and you’ll also discover that you’re opening some pretty useful doors!”

“The dots will join up,” says KristalClear, “we don’t know how, and we don’t know when, but it will all fall into place. But you can’t do it if you have no dots.”

NutJob finishes by saying “the one thing you can be sure of, is that if you never do anything, and you never meet anybody, then you’ll never get a girlfriend!

KristalClear changes the subject. With a happy smile she says “Ulverston.”

“Yes! Tell me more.”

“We’re not going to be here for OpenMike Night next week. We’re on the Saturday afternoon ferry and we’ll be met by Constable Burgess, and HopAlong and EarlyBird. I haven’t seen them for years. The last time I was in Ulverston I was only ten years old!”

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“What’s wrong with the current set up?” asks MaxChaos.

“Readers pay a nominal sum for a newspaper. However, advertising is at the core of the business model, so Franklin wants a wider footprint for the paper. That will bring in a wider collection of readers and businesses, and that means advertisers!

“And the Garrison?”

“For them the attraction is potential recruits! The more people involved in breeding and managing horses, the better. The best recommendation for a Garrison job is word of mouth. And who doesn’t like horses? That’s the whole reason CandiCrush  joined the Garrison in the first place.”

“So you do actually know about the trip?”

“Yes, but I only know the reasons behind it, I don’t know the practical details, Kristal and CandiCrush were sorting out the diary today, transport, accommodation, contacts, meetings. I know that I’m going, but I haven’t a clue how business trips actually work”

“Why you two?” asks MaxChaos.

“I work in the newspaper business don’t I? And she can talk to horses!”

“And you said you were going to share some ideas with us.” says HayWire.

“Basically, I’ve just started sharing some information! You have to go out and do things. When I got my part time PrintWorks job I never thought I would become a pathfinder and a roving ambassador for the Garrison. You have to get involved in stuff, you don’t have to know where it might lead. Go out, do things, meet people. Half of them will be girls. Open doors to more doors that open. Talk to people face to face.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” says HayWire.

“It doesn’t have to be big adventures, try something new, easy stuff, like baking cakes, local stuff, join the karate club here, just do stuff, go out and do stuff, and you will get a social life. Clubs, societies, activities, OpenMike Night, anything. When was the last time you did something for the first time?”

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“I’m not really sure what happened, I’ve always been a bit shy with girls, I think Kristal started it. Cautiously I mean. We met many, many times before we developed warm feelings for each other.”

“How?” asks MaxChaos, “how did you do it?”

“I dunno really. Chat, I think, innocent chat!”

“About what?” asks HayWire.

“About whatever!”

Pausing briefly, NutJob continues.

“She always talked about horses. I think I talked about model aircraft too much. But I also listened. She listened too. And she asked me why model aircraft were so interesting. I asked her about horses. She can talk to Handsome you know, it was fascinating finding out about the life of horses. And I wanted to know how she found out she was demi-psychic.”

“Can she read your mind too?” asks HayWire.

“I thought so at first. But now I think it was all just my imagination. She says she can’t do humans. I believe her.”

“But,” asks MaxChaos, a bit more forcefully, “what was the spark?”

Hesitating for a moment, NutJob replies, “I don’t think there was a spark. I don’t know.”

“And your first kiss?” asks HayWire.

“Listen, I know what you’re doing. But I’ve got to go and find Kristal, we have a work trip to sort out. I can share a few ideas with you now even if I can’t answer your questions. We can do five minutes, and then we’ll have to stop. I need to get back to the hall, where she can find me, or where I can see her. We’re going to Ulverston, a work trip, Franklin and CandiCrush agreed it today, Kristal has all the details, I want to find out more.”

As they head back to the hall HayWire has new questions.

“A work trip? But you’re both part timers!”

“It’s a joint effort between The Lancastrian and the Garrison. They want a wider network of couriers, and that means that they need more people with horses.”

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MaxChaos takes NutJob to one side, “where were you at break time? HayWire wanted to talk to you! I wanted to talk to you!”

“I was stage crew, I had to sort out a couple of things in the prop room. And I wanted to talk to Kristal but she was stuck in the ladies’ dressing room for literally hours!”

Kayt and Conning have already dragged KristalClear back to the dressing room so that they can finish their chat. MaxChaos and HayWire have now succeeded in cornering NutJob so that they can actually start their chat. NutJob is unsure why suddenly he has become so popular.

“OK,  come on then, to my office!”

MaxChaos and HayWire are both puzzled, thinking “office?”

“Do make yourself comfortable on my couch,” says NutJob, pointing to the bland tables in the prop room, “now, what seems to be the trouble?”

Failing to spot the humour MaxChaos and HayWire select a table to sit on, mirroring what NutJob is doing.

“Kayt’s very pretty,” says MaxChaos.

Strikingly, by HayWire’s standards, he opens up with a clear and commanding voice, “Conning’s pretty!”

“Conning’s pretty narked with me!” says MaxChaos.

“What?” asks HayWire.

“Nothing! Just pretend I said nothing.”

“Yes, they are attractive,” says NutJob, “but it’s not all about beauty, I think there needs to be something more than just beauty.”

MaxChaos adds, “that’s what we wanted to ask you about, how did you and Kristal connect?”

“Ooh, that’s a tough one! I think you’d be better off asking her!”

Perplexed, yet still maintaining a calm voice MaxChaos says, “what?”

“I’m serious!” says NutJob.

A brief hush descends as they wait for him to say more.

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(Ingeniously combining a love song and a chocolate recipe THE SPACE GIRLS mimic the style of a pop group from 400 years ago, they deliver ten stanzas with a catchy upbeat tune. When the formal choreographed routine ends, the tempo of the music and the dance change a little. In a seemingly chaotic fashion, KAYT and CONNING start to gleefully hop, skip and jump around. HAYLEY and FULLYCHARGED are mimicking them with a seated version of a hopping, skipping, jumping dance!)

Bring the curtain down
(We) got choc’late all around

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Bring the curtain down
(We) got choc’late all around

(The curtain closes as THE SPACE GIRLS continue bouncing about the stage using all the available space. The Talent Show ends with much cheer and lots of boys shouting “encore”. ANGRYBARD is trying his best to be the loudest. But his voice hasn’t fully broken yet, and he feels a little troubled by the occasional high pitched squeak interfering with his largely successful attempts at a more mature, masculine delivery.)

While the judges retire to the Nelson Room to deliberate, the performers, the stage crew, and many of the audience slowly drift to the back of the hall again, grabbing a last drink and finishing off the few cakes and cookies that remain.

“Did you see that?” asks MaxChaos.

“ Yes! I was with Kristal in the left wing. We were watching it together and we could see you two in the right wing. You were almost on the stage!”

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