Month: May 2026

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For medicinal purposes obviously!

And then try a little more, you know, just to make sure that the first bit wasn’t a fluke!

This is a rare treat for Benet. He’d never be able to afford a whole bottle of rum.

After drinking half a bottle he doesn’t seem to be able to stop. But somebody approaches. Benet doesn’t want to share his find, so he puts the stopper back in and hastily hides the bottle in his knapsack.

Calmly, the visitor approaches. Presumably it’s time for their daily walk in the woods. That’s quite normal. And Benet thinks “just be normal … act normally”. He didn’t steal anything, he just found the treasure abandoned inside a tree, that’s all.

(Adding more character to the voice, mimicking Benet’s style of delivery.)

However, Benet’s head is far from normal at the moment. Any wisdom that he might usually possess seems to have deserted him. He stands up, a little unstable on his feet, and smiles inanely. The sort of stupid smile that a drunk puts on when they’re trying vainly to demonstrate that they’re not drunk.

And he says, “good unstubble consternoon!”

He pauses and thinks, “what did I just say?” quickly followed by, “I’m sure it was OK!”

Constable Walker looks at him with a suspicious, half sideways look. The sort of look that your mum gives you when she knows you haven’t actually cleaned your teeth this morning.

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Wisely, Walker is keeping her distance. There are far too many of them for just her and Sergeant HoneyBucket to intervene.

(Picking up a tea cup)

It all seems to be a storm in a tea cup. But judging by the noise you’d think that The George Tavern had just sold the last bag of pork scratchings, and wouldn’t have any more for a month!

Sergeant HoneyBucket points out that nobody seems to have been injured, but a crate with twelve bottles of rum has just mysteriously vanished from the dockside. “You buffoon Walker,” he says, “you were too busy watching the impromptu wrestling match, when the real mischief was right behind us!”

Of course, Walker is a little offended. Wasn’t HoneyBucket also distracted? He seems to be full of something today, and it’s not honey!

They never found out who did it, and they never found the missing rum. The thieves probably drank some, some more of it probably ended up on the black market. And some of it may have been hidden away for later.

SCENE 2

(Williamson Park on the south eastern edge of the city.)

FRANKLIN

(Gentle, calm voice, unrushed. Adopting a slightly slurred, intoxicated manner.)

That explains how, one day, Benet came to find a bottle of rum wrapped in an old cloth, and stuffed inside a hollow oak tree in Williamson Park.

(Using hand gestures to indicate drinking from a bottle.)

Naturally, Benet had to sample a little.

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throwing money into his hat so that they can spend fifteen minutes sucking on some rock hard sugar. A time machine lasts for around fifteen minutes.

That keeps everybody focussed, sat quietly, listening, while Benet tells his perfectly timed, fifteen minute, almost true true story.

— o —

            Sitting in a comfy chair in AuntSylvie’s office in the Noble Coliseum, Franklin is chatting about Benet. Having known him for a long time, it will be no surprise to learn that Franklin also has a story to tell.

This one is about Benet.

And this one is completely true!

—o—

The Story of Benet and the Hidden Treasure

SCENE 1

(The commercial docks on St George’s Quay. Some boisterous dockers are larking about.)

FRANKLIN

(Gentle, calm voice, unrushed, hint of drama and suspense. Using hand gestures to emphasise the actions.)

Imagine one of those days, down at the docks when some of the wicked ruffians are causing a heinous commotion. Constable Walker is looking on, but there’s no obvious cause.

One rascal is piling on top of another for no apparent reason. They’re hurling wild, profane language about. The sort of words that we never learned in school. Punches are being thrown, hair is being pulled, and people are being dragged around by their shirt tails.

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Loaded with a bundle of clean white paper, Benet goes off to see TomBaker to order some time machines.

Sitting in the back yard with TomBaker and his son Rory the paper is cut into small strips and rolled up tightly to make lollipop sticks. Treated with a light smear of flour paste, the sticks are put into an oven for a short time, then left out to harden. Meanwhile, TomBaker and Rory go looking for whatever flavourings are abundant this week, stuff left over from earlier batches of pastries or cakes or whatever. A big bucket of pulped residue from fresh oranges, or lemons, is a common ingredient. And sugar. Time machines need a lot of sugar!

To make a time machine, they boil the sugar and the flavouring until it becomes an unwieldy mass of sticky, messy goo. Using metal sweet moulds which look like ice cube trays, the gloop is spread out evenly! A lollipop stick is pushed into the centre of each blob, and several trays are put into the oven. When the goo is baked rock hard the lollipops end up looking like a weird sort of Tardis!

Time machines are exactly what the kids want. They can only be found in “Jackanory Square”, and the Market Square is renamed “Jackanory Square” only on days when Benet is in town.

Kids bring two pennies with them on a Friday and they can have one. And just one per person mind! They mustn’t spoil their appetites, and nobody wants angry parents scolding story tellers for giving their children bad teeth!

As soon as they’re old enough to do simple sums, the kids learn the routine, they save their pocket money, or badger their parents for more. They want to be sure to get a time machine on Friday!

It’s an ingenious plan!

“Get them while they’re young,” says Benet, “keep them coming back time and time again, make it a tradition!”

Benet sells the time machines just as story time is about to start. If he gets it right, he makes an enormous amount of money. There are usually hordes of small people literally

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Chapter 17
Hidden Treasure

Benet is one of life’s hidden treasures!

If he wasn’t quite so unique you might call him a busker, or a street artiste, like the people who perform mime or juggling or other forms of entertainment. Benet’s family took their inspiration from a long forgotten television show for young children, where the performer simply sits on a comfy chair and tells a story.

A fifteen minute story designed to entertain primary school pupils. In Benet’s case, his almost true true stories keep people coming back for years and years. Teenagers and adults alike still find great joy indulging in this fond, childhood activity. If they have time to spare on a Friday afternoon when school ends, they’ll make their way along to Jackanory Square at the same time as the younger kids.

People never know when Benet’s coming to town. He circulates throughout Wolfland and beyond, but they’ll know if he’s doing a story this week, because he always arrives one day early, on a Thursday. The whole routine runs like clockwork.

When he visits Lancaster, the first thing he does is go to see Franklin and Faraday at The Lancastrian. To buy some off cuts of paper. He has no money at that stage, but he always promises to pay in full once his show is over. And he does tend to pay, sometimes! When he’s had a good day he pays all his dues in full.

No matter what, even when the takings are not so good, he always pays TomBaker. TomBaker runs the baker’s shop next door to the Law Courts on Market Square.

Franklin and Faraday don’t mind whether they’re paid or not. The amount of paper involved is minimal and it would have gone into the composter anyway. They’ve known Benet for years and they’ll always accept a token payment in order to keep him happy.

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face, sweating profusely from his forehead, but he’s as cool as a cucumber in thought, and he slowly draws his bow. This is him at his best, one of the most composed and accurate archers in Wolfland. The flaming arrow is now truly alight. Thin, wispy traces of black smoke are spiralling upwards from the tip.

MaxChaos just stands there … waiting … flaming arrow at the ready. None of the pirates notice, nor does any of the crew of The Frabjous Joy. Only the three people on the poop deck actually know what’s going on.

Just as the ships draw level BlackDog shouts, “now!”

And MaxChaos releases the arrow! It strikes the mainsail above BlackDog’s head, and the whole sail is alight in less than a second. The pirates all stare as their sail disintegrates and begins to come loose from the yard. Confused and distracted, BlackDog fails to jump effectively. In any case, none of the pirates has landed a hook, or a rope, or a net on the other ship. Even if BlackDog had been able to leap with any force there’s nothing for him to grab hold of.

With all the speed and grace of a derailed freight train, BlackDog tumbles headlong into the sea. And not for the first time!

“Why does this always happen to me?”

Everyone aboard The Frabjous Joy turns to look at the poop deck. Simultaneously they cheer the fall of BlackDog, and the genius of MaxChaos.

Each of the remaining four flaming arrows find their target. Five burning sails descend across the deck of The Frumious Bandersnatch.

Leaving the pirate crew to battle the fires, BlackCloud disappears through the narrow escape hatch in the poop deck directly to his cabin below.

MaxChaos has caused maximum chaos. Again!

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Joy is still a disciplined team. Spaced out equally along the port main deck, they are anxious and alert in equal measure.

The pirates have formed two amorphous clumps on their starboard deck.

“Get off my foot you cretin,” shouts one.

“Get off your own foot,” comes the bonkers reply!

“Shut up the lot of you,” bellows BlackDog. He grabs the rigging and hauls his massive frame out of the melee, and onto the starboard caprail.

Stepping back a couple of paces, SilverCloud surveys everything that’s going on aboard both ships. That leaves a little gap between her and DynamoDave. MaxChaos spots the gap. Racing to the poop deck, leaping up the steps, two at a time, he doesn’t seek permission before setting foot in the captain’s domain.

This is a man on a mission, red in the face, and clearly focussed on his quest. His quiver is strapped across his back, in one hand he’s carrying the long bow and in the other hand he’s carrying a large cooking pot filled with burning charcoal!

DynamoDave is thinking to himself, “I’ve never seen this before! What’s he going to do, chuck burning coals at them?”

MaxChaos says nothing, he can’t speak. Between his teeth he’s holding some oil soaked rags. SilverCloud immediately realises what’s going on. Calmly, she takes one arrow from his quiver and says, “I know what you need.”

He releases his jaw, letting the impregnated rags fall to the floor. Selects one and binds it to the head of the arrow, sticks that into the red hot charcoal, and the rag erupts in flames. DynamoDave now understands what’s happening. Both he and SilverCloud start preparing more flaming arrows as MaxChaos lifts the first one into place. It looks like he has only five, the one resting in the bow, and the remaining arrows now in each hand of each helper.

The Frumious Bandersnatch draws almost level, the pirates begin their high pitched screams and shouts. It’s more raucous and more intimidating than the Maoris performing a Haka. MaxChaos is not daunted. He might now be bright red in the

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day. The mountains of Eryri with their glistening peaks, off to starboard, a gorgeous, luscious green coast unfolding up ahead, thronged with gulls, herons and cormorants, soaring, swooping and dancing around the rocky promontories. A beautiful, calm blue sea stretches out to port, meeting the sky at a distant horizon before the naked eye can pick out Mannin. This is as good as it gets when working in the maritime navy.

Looking to the port aft, the view of Puffin Island should complete a picture perfect scene. Except there’s a giant, ugly black, brig in the way! DynamoDave instantly knows what this means. Instinctively he reaches for the ship’s bell, sounds the alarm, and calls to the crew. Everybody aboard both ships hears the commotion and they all know exactly what’s coming next.

SilverCloud leaves her cabin and is up on the poop deck within seconds, the regular crew members are instantly above deck, and MaxChaos emerges from the galley to hear shouts of, “pikes, knives, swords, now,” and, “prepare to repel invaders!”

The purser opens up the armoury, and the crew select their favourite weapons. MaxChaos looks around, he’s never experienced this before! The pirates are about 200 metres astern, and they’ll be level in less than sixty seconds. He’s the last one to approach the armoury, and he picks out a long bow and a quiver of arrows.

Dashing back to the galley, MaxChaos is going the opposite way to everybody else! SilverCloud notices, but she’s too busy to do anything about it. She and DynamoDave are shouting instructions. They cannot afford to allow any one of the pirates to set foot on the deck.

The strategy is to fend them off before they gain a foothold. That means avoiding the flying grappling hooks and severing the ropes and the nets which trail behind them. Disabling all means of allowing the pirates to climb aboard.

From here the perspiration on BlackDog’s forehead becomes clear. On the back of JumpingJack’s neck the hairs are standing up. Tense with fear, the crew aboard The Frabjous

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take up other exciting work like chicken farming or potato husbandry!

With a perverse kind of loyalty, and in spite of his puny appearance and his reluctance to be involved in any hand to hand fighting, the crew of The Frumious Bandersnatch are keen to protect BlackCloud and ensure that he remains as captain. The alternative is to have BlackDog become the captain, and then they are convinced that he would get them all killed!

Hiding in the calm waters on the leeward side, BlackCloud waits for The Frabjous Joy to round the southern tip of Puffin Island, and then he signals the crew to silently move in. The square rigged mainsails of the brig are unfurled, followed quickly by the topsails. As The Frumious Bandersnatch begins to move, the topgallants and royals are prepared and she picks up more speed.

There are a few inconsequential cumulus clouds dotted about the sky on this pleasant Tuesday afternoon. A light breeze means that the swell is calm and mellow. The crew of The Frabjous Joy are relaxed, cruising at a gentle pace, and they’re enjoying a well earned rest at this mid point between Amlwch and Conwy.

Frenzied activity ensues aboard the larger and faster Frumious Bandersnatch as the pirates’ adrenalin starts pumping. The raiding party readies the grappling hooks and ropes, the clamber netting and the long gisarmes. In silence, BlackCloud watches from his vantage point on the poop deck.

BlackDog, one hand holding the starboard caprail amidships, leans seaward, and frantically waves his free hand urging the helmsman to bring the ship closer to the line of The Frabjous Joy. When the right moment comes the deckhands are ready to hoist the sails, lowering the speed.

When the two ships come along side, the raiding party will have a few seconds to board, before the momentum takes the pirate ship ahead.

At the helm of The Frabjous Joy DynamoDave is admiring the immaculate panoramic view on a near perfect, sun dappled

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